Re: Joke Thread
 

Two old men were walking through the park one morning.
As they walked by a small pond, one looked down and saw a tiny frog.
He leaned down and picked it up.
As they looked, the frog began to talk.
It said, I'm a beautiful Princess stuck in this frog's body.
If you kiss me I will be freed.
For this act of kindness I will grant you your wildest sexual fantasies and dreams.

The man gently closed his hand and placed the frog in his pocket.
His friend asked, What are you doing?
You didn't hear what that frog said?
You're not going to kiss her?

The old man said, I'm 75 years old.
I'd rather have a frog that can talk.









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:lol::lol::lol:

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Man sitting in his truck at the truck stop watches a Swift truck come in and attempt to back into a parking space.

After about 4 or 5 minutes trying, the Swift driver sets the brakes and jumps out and comes over to this other driver and asks if he could back his truck for him.

The guy says sure, and jumps in the Swift truck and backs it in in one shot.

As he's climbing out, the Swift driver comes up to him and offers a $20 bill. The guy says 'What's this for?' Swift drivers says its a thank you for backing my truck. The guy says 'I can't take your money.' Swift drivers says 'why not?' The guys says 'it just wouldn't be right. I mean, it'd be a whole different story if you were hooked to a trailer'

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WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Arkansas, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury).
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

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:lol: that sounds plausible. Maybe it happened.

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:agree:

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When the person who invented USB dies, they'll start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, and then lower it again.

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:lol::lol::lol:

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Late Saturday night the city cop was making his rounds, when he saw this ole wino dragging a logging chain down the middle of the road. The cop ask the wino why he's dragging the logging chain down the middle of the road. The ole wino reply's " have you ever tried pushin one"


Keep on keepin on


nutz

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Local guy working at the service station , pumping gas , washing windshields gets gas on his arm one day , while walking home that day he lights up a smoke and his arm catches fire , he's running down the street with his arm on fire and a cop pulls up and ends up charging him !!!!!!!!




FOR WAVING A FIREARM.

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Testing

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Here's something we can all agree on:
>> The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.
>> If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
>> If they don't, the country is safe.

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:lol:

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Here's a joke for ya........California......:lol::lol::lol: Ok, back to my corner.....

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I know, it’s a ford

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My great-grandpappy was from Burnt Mattress, Arkansas.

For those of you that don't know, that's just above Hot Springs.

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:lol:

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I will buy 2.
That is 8 hours worth Right????:lol::lol::lol:










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I'm more impressed by the size of the crystal grains in the zinc plating, to be honest. :smoke:

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The orgone accumulator heal the little crystals. I need me one of those.

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Attachment 2052406











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That's funny but true. I need to remember that line.

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oh Richard...another good one

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Drafting Guys Over 70.
I am close to 80 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!!
How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN has attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

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Speak for yourself!

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Two men are driving through Tennessee when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Tennessee son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B*tch would've tried that sh*t with me!"

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:lol::lol::lol:!

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That's Funny right there:lol:

We are trained to Have the License and registration ready.

And we Hope they don't ask us to Spell Nothing:lol::lol::lol:

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Attachment 2053908







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About a 2 months ago I bought a registered black angus bull to put in with my cows for breeding. After several weeks of paying no attention to cows, I relentlessly called the vet to come check him out. After he did a thorough inspection of him he informed me that everything looked good and could see no problems with him. He also gave me some pills to give him that may help to get him going. Within no time at all he was like a changed animal. He ended up breeding all my herd and in fact broke through the fence and went to neighboring farm and breed all his herd. I don’t know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like butterscotch.

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:lol::lol::lol:

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You stirred a memory somewhere in my pea brain

A guy goes to his family doctor and the doctor says what can I do for you?

Well doc it's really nothing for me it's just that the wife ain't got no interest in hanky panky anymore, doc say's I got just the thing for you and gives him a bottle of little white pills.

Doc then instructs him to slip one in her evening wine or drink without her knowledge and you will get positive results.

The guy was so excited he thought if the doc said one... two would be better so he put 2 in her evening wine.

Then he got to thinking doc said only one so maybe I gave her too much, so he decides he should take one so he can handle her.

They turn in for the evening and nothing happens, they both fall fast asleep.

About 2 am the wife sits straight up in bed and screams "I WANT A MAN"
He sits straight up beside her and screams " SO DO I"

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:lol::lol: Oh, man! :lol:

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Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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OK, well just because it was a crappy joke doesn't mean this thread has to die!