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(Racing a Bear )
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’ . |
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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 24th) morning and will fly to Key West where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast and stop in Palm Beach, FL for a nice dinner oceanside, then fly back home. If interested please pm me.. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.. |
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Got me! :lol::lol::lol:
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What do you call birds that stick together?
Vel-crows. OK, corny but at least it was short. |
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My fondest memories were building sand castles with my grandpa...... until my mom hid the urn from me
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An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. The moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable. |
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Biker John and his ol lady were celebrating 50 years together.
Their 3 kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday Dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," Gushed Little Johnny. "Sorry I'm running late, had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." Not to worry," said Biker John. "The important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry." It's nothing," said Biker John. "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and was really busy packing, so didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again Biker John said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, Biker John put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.' The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're Bastards." Yep, said Biker John. "And cheap ones too." |
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King of the Jungle: Dog vs. Lion
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.” So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he’s about to run, he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!” The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.” Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened. The lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.” And they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened, starting to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the heck is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…” . |
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A couple with 9 kids goes to the doctor so they can get "fixed" to stop having kids
The doctor asks them "you have 9 kids, why do you want to stop now?" The man answers "we saw on TV where 1 out of 10 kids born would be Mexican" "since neither one of us can speak Spanish, we decided to stop" |
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An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' |
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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Just one -It probably will take quite a bit of time -The most important factor is, the lightbulb must really want to change |
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One - they're very efficient people. |
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How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends. What do you want to change it into? |
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Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor. 4. Dogs' parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?" 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em. 11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray. 13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching yourself. Instead, they sit pondering why you aren't licking. 15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting. And last, but not least: . If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff. To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you! |
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Best One Yet:metal: Attachment 2056017 In My Opinion:lol::lol::lol::ito: . |
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Ole and Lena had a big house party, later in evening Ole could not find Sven. He looked everywhere and finally found him in bed with Lena, he went back to all the guests with laughter and a smile on his face. The guests asked him what was so funny. He said Sven is So Drunk he thinks he is me!
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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." “Okay, let’s give it a try." |
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:agree: :lol:
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:lol:
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Three things that happen when you get older:
1) You start forgetting things 2) ......? 3) .......? |
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A doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" |
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There is a few of them at my place of employment;) . |
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The Night Watchman lost his Job
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen. Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper. "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!" "Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?" "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired." "Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard." "Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?" . source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Wheelbarrow#ixzz6cDriNZ1u |
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A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator. "Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board." "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board." "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board." "But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator. "You're talking to him," replied the rancher. |
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Two blondes walk into a building
you would think at least one of them would have seen it |
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The ranch one is awesome lol
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I like them all. :lol::lol:
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch... |
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Two blonds standing across the river from each other.
The first one yells across "How do I get to the other side of the river? The second one yells back "You ARE on the other side of the river!!" |
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Signs
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