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remote
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Easier to spot than Waldo!
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Been laying in bed all day because you can, and you suddenly realise the remote is missing....and you haven't even moved anywhere for the whole day. ...not under the covers, not behind the mattress against the wall (when you finally decide to get up off your fat tail and look)... "Hey come on, what the???" :mad: |
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When I was in the Navy and training in Idaho, the output shaft of the alternator at the business end of the turbine had a nut about that size on it. There was a giant open-end wrench mounted on the wall that took a crane to use, to remove and replace that nut.
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And a hoist to lift and hold that wrench too!
My buddies at the power plant had a hoist to hold the impact wrench. ;) |
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I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in inten...sive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
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How bad is the Economy???
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. ... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline and I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. |
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If You Love Chili & Laughing... Then Read
This! This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the score card notes from the event: Chili # 1 - Mike's Maniac Monster Chili Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato, amusing kick. Judge # 2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor, very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this. Took two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy! Chili # 2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 - Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno twang. Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face! Chili # 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 - A bit salty but good use of peppers. Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill!!!!! My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 - Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! --Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. Chili # 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili # 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 - Big Tom's Toenail Curling Chili Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report. |
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:lol::lol::lol::metal:
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The Sensuous Wife
Upon arriving home from work our hero was greeted by his wife, dressed in a low cut and very sexy dress. "Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" She asked. "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen a hundred all crumpled up?" she asked. "Uh, nope." She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled hundred dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," he said, now really intrigued. "Go look in the garage..." |
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