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Joke Thread
Ok, here we go again. Just jokes and replies to them please. Let's see what you've got. They don't have to be the greatest jokes, so no need to worry.
See? Not worried: Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?", I said, "No it doesn't" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? "Aye matey" HAR HAR HAR!! |
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!
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What happened to the frogs car?
It got toad away. |
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City? |
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well, you know what they say about cliffhangers...
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And??? :lol:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well. |
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I had a friend that would drink brake fluid. He told me he could stop any time.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one. ------------------------------------------------- Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll. -------------------------------------------------- What rock group has four guys that don't sing? Mount Rushmore |
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable." The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull." |
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I told the only joke I knew on another thread. It didnt go over so well so . . .
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Two ropes walk into a bar. Bartender says we don't serve your kind here so they leave. One rope says I got an idea so he ties himself into a knot and frays one of his ends then goes back into the bar. Bartender says hey, aren't you a rope. Rope says nope, I'm a frayed knot. -klb |
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Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducked. |
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. |
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When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
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I laid awake all night wondering where the sun went.
Finally it dawned on me. |
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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
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Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
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A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
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Three people can sit together without violating social distancing, because there is six feet between them.
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Anyone ever notice that if you're trying to figure out what the ants are doing on the sidewalk, and you get real close to look with your magnifying glass, that they start to smoke? |
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Where do you take a peek a boo accident ??
The I.C.U. :lol: |
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Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them |
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My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
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