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I agree one hundred percent about the customer being the one who should tell you what to do!! I had good cash money in hand that I was more than willing to spend if instructions had just been followed!!
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That stinks about the body shop ordeal, personally I think if you tell them to paint it with peanut butter they should do it, You are the paying customer and thats all there is to it. It pisses me off when body shops (any shop for that matter) don't do what you have requested. I have personally removed body parts from a vehicle and returned them to a body shop over crappy work.
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I don't post very often but I read a lot of stuff like this on this forum. I find some of it funny and some of it sad. The guy at the shop should not do what you tell him, it is his shop and his reputation, HE is doing what HE knows works for HIM. Why would they do something you told them not knowing if it would fail or not? If someone came into your doctor's office with a cold and demanded a shot of penicilen would you give it to them? Probably not. Would it hurt them? Probably not. There is always more than one right way to do things and many more ways to do them wrong. He should have told you he wasn't comfortable doing it your way IF your way was fully explained.
I'm not trying to start an argument or even say who is right or wrong, just making an observation. When I was sixteen I took my 68 camaro that I did the bodywork on to a well known shop to get an estimate for paint and they told me they wouldn't paint it, they didn't know what was done and it was their reputation. Being a punk kid I thought they were a bunch of jackasses, but now I totally understand why they wouldn't paint it. The funniest and saddest at the same time rant that I read was someone bought a truck that looked really nice, but wanted to redo it into a custom. When they stripped it down they found up to 1/4" of bondo and patch panels brazed in. If they had known about the shoddy work they never would have bought the truck. Now I have never brazed a panel and I agree that keeping bondo as thin as possible is best, but if you need a grinder to even know there is bondo and you have to cut off the brazed in panel (it didn't just fall off) I'd say that it wasn't such a bad repair afterall. Once again, I'm just saying there is more than one way.