From
http://dailyramblings.com/ramblings/429.php
I'd like to start this week by announcing that this website is better than all other comedy websites. Sure, other websites are funnier, more visually pleasing, and don't secretly collect passwords and naked pictures from your computer as you read the articles. But there's one thing that makes this website better than any other humor website: this website has a hemi.
What's a hemi? Beats the hell out of me. But if Dodge can sell trucks by making up a word and pretending it means something, then I can do the same damn thing. So not only does this website have a hemi, reader, but it also has a poogy, a turdfarker, and a dickinyourear. You probably didn't even notice the dickinyourear, did you reader? Well, it's there, and the performance level it brings to this website is blowing the competition away!
Okay, so "hemi" is a real word, but the hype behind it is still just a load of crap sold to you by the fudge packers in Dodge's marketing department. The hemi engine was invented in 1951, and funny enough, the first cars with hemi engines only had 180 horsepower, which is the same force found in a fart blown out Rosie O' Donnell's ass. If O' Donnell farted continuously, she could hook a pipe up to her rectum and beat an early-50s Chrysler in a drag race.
Watch out, reader, because as we examine the hemi scam deeper, there may be some technical jargon. But none of it will make you think of Rosie O' Donnell's flabby ass with a pipe sticking out of it, so that's a plus.
Hemi engines became much more powerful as technology advanced, and were the pinnacle of engine design in the '50s, but that was a long time ago. The hemi engine (using a hemispherical combustion chamber instead of a flat one) was revolutionary in 1951, but most cars today use a pentroof design (with a pentagon shape) that works just as good, if not better, than the hemi. So the dong lickers in Dodge's marketing department are just blowing smoke up your ass, using a nostalgic word to sell baby boomers trucks that have the same horsepower and performance as everything else on the market.
The hemi design was much better than the flat design found in cars before 1951 (the flat design is now used in lawnmower engines), but the hemi and pentroof designs aren't much different in the area of performance for normal vehicles. Dodge has improved their hemi design since they last produced it in 1971, but it's no better than the pentroof design. They both work fine, and each has their advantages and disadvantages. But the butt sniffing donkey molesters in Dodge's marketing department don't want you to know that. They did a nice job fooling everyone with their lame hemi commercials, and now baby boomers and young people alike are getting excited about the hemi, despite the fact that they don't know what the hell the word means, or why it's supposedly better.
Since people are so gullible, maybe I'll take a hammer and bang my car's combustion chamber until it has nine sides, making it a nonagon shape. Then I'll call it a "nonagonarrhea" engine, and the next automobile craze will be my new engine design that sounds like a venereal disease.
The main point of this column was to educate you, dear reader, but don't expect me to maintain that standard in the future. Every man has a price, and if the big shots at Dodge read this column, like my nonagonarrhea idea, and offer me a marketing job with a large salary, I may take it. This economy has been tough on us all, so please don't hate me if I accept a job with the ass buccaneers in Dodge's marketing department. A cash-strapped columnist has to do what a cash-strapped columnist has to do. Even if he has to sell overhyped hemis.