Hey I just thought I'd check in and let you guys know I ended up buying a long block from ATK in Texas(
https://www.summitracing.com/parts/hpe-hp89), had a real respectable shop drop it in, and I'm back on the road. Just picked it up yesterday, she runs good.
After asking my local dealer's svc dept. and as many other professional mechanics as possible, maybe 12 conversations(85-90% of whom already heard negatively of or repaired work from the shop I had an issue with), I called the Bureau of Auto Repair. I doubt they'll have any power in the matter but it beats an arrest for arson.
So yeah, I made sure to present it to you guys as balanced as possible-if I just wanted to make everyone hate them I would have made my complaints way more exciting. Dunno, I might invite the shop to this site to reply, see what they say