Good jokes, lets hear them.

[treveiger]

Heres one i found.

Weight Loss Plan
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Now lets hear yours

[BarryB]

How about the joke of the year.

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business...

sorry ladies got to admit it was funny.

[fastwillie 696969]

i cant post my jokes here

[fastwillie 696969]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The one with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and the other said, anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[allengator]

Two blondes decide to see what all the fuss is about after their men leave them to go hunting...
So they go out and buy really cute co-ordinated hunting outfits, a couple of guns, and head out to the woods.
About 20 mins into the walk they stumble upon a set of tracks...
One says "LOOK, deer tracks"
Other says "NO... ELK tracks"
1st one "Deer Tracks!"
other one "ELK TRACKS!"

They were STILL arguing when the train hit them!

[Crummy]

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally??


Ever wonder why?








































It's because she smells like
A new Truck.

[treveiger]

thats awesome, gotta remember that one.

[screwballl]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "Urinate... but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten!!!"

[BLE 'BURBAN]

Babies
Rated G
Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says,

"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

[BLE 'BURBAN]

[treveiger]

Originally Posted by BLE 'BURBAN

Lol i wonder if thats real, i bet youd feel pretty stupid after that

[Crummy]

TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS AREN'T STOLEN:



#10 They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.



#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.



#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.



#7 It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.



#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.



#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this:

The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.



#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.



#3 Top speed is approximately 45 mph.



#2 Who wants to steal a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?



#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

[BLE 'BURBAN]

Caught!

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark stormy night. The
storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched
her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and
wished that he would take her in his arm, comfort her, protect her
from the storm, she wanted that.... then the power went out.
She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did
not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden
union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she
didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on... as did
their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they
had to be together.

They knew it was wrong, their families would not understand,
but....so consumed in their passion they didn't hear the door or the
click of the light switch... the power was back on...

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[grape48]

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at the drive in movie theater...... they went to see..... "Closed for the season"

[treveiger]

Originally Posted by BLE 'BURBAN

Caught!

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark stormy night. The
storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched
her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and
wished that he would take her in his arm, comfort her, protect her
from the storm, she wanted that.... then the power went out.
She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did
not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden
union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she
didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on... as did
their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they
had to be together.

They knew it was wrong, their families would not understand,
but....so consumed in their passion they didn't hear the door or the
click of the light switch... the power was back on...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Wow you got me there i was wondering if it was going to be bad but figured it couldnt. Goood one

[BLE 'BURBAN]

[etg]

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?




because it felt CRUMBY!!!!!

What kind of bees make milk not honey?






BOO-BEES!

[timjt]

The pope, president Fox (mexico's president) and president Bush were in a boat fishing. They heard a cry for help and saw a man floundering in the water.
The pope said "God help him, I can not swim"
Fow said "He is not one of my citizens, and I can not swim"
Bush, walked out on the water and saved him.
The next morning the front page of the new york Times paper screamed "Bush is incompetent, he can't swim!"

[Black Diamond Dave]

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles.



Where do Pirates go to get new hooks?


The second hand store.

[Getter-Done]

“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”

[71CHEVYSHORTBED402]

Yankee Judging a Texas Chili Cook-off

Please note, Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Boston.

Frank: ‘Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing right there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Warning! Danger! Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili may have given me permanent brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except for Sally. Can’t feel my lips OR my face anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted when we started tasting some really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – -No Report.

[Getter-Done]

What do you call a pig that practices karate?

A pork chop.
-
What's the best way to find a large buck during hunting season?

Take your car insurance from full coverage to liability only.
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I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.

His mom got a little upset.
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What do you call a woman who's really bad at drawing?

Tracey.
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What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

[Sheepdip]

One of my favorites:

A Preacher in church one Sunday was preaching the fire and brimstone, they were speaking in tongues and rolling in the pews. They were just about to break out the snakes when the church doors blew off it's hinges and a ball of fire rolled up between the pews to the pulpit and Satan himself appeared.

The people started running over each other scrambling to get out, even the preacher dove out a side window, within seconds the church was empty except one little old man in the front row.
Satan looked at him and said "Do you not know who I am"? the little old man replied "Yes I know who you are" Satan then asked "So you are not afraid"? The little old man then says "Pffftt...afraid of you? I've been married to your sister for 50 years"!!

[Steeveedee]

A recent study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I guess it's true, since I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[Getter-Done]

Tomorrow my son and I are going to get new glasses...

After that, we'll see.
-
What sound do porcupines makes when they kiss?

Ouch.
-
How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing, it's on the house.
-
What do aliens like to eat?

Unidentified frying objects.
-
Which bear is the most condescending bear?

A pan duh!