Joke Thread

[richard2717]

DEER HUNTERS.
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a big dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

[Getter-Done]

.













.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

DEER HUNTERS.
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a big dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

I had great mental pics going on in my head.... I believe this story could be true....

[Getter-Done]

.












.

[Steeveedee]

Has he gotten the eggs out of his hair yet?

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Steeveedee

Has he gotten the eggs out of his hair yet?

I don't know
That is a fine line between Brave and Stupid






.

[slomotion]

Jake and Louis are hunting moose up in northern Maine. Late in the day they get their chance and shoot a nice one with a massive rack.
Loosing daylight, they grab his hind hooves and start dragging him out of the woods. After a little while they happen on a game warden. After he checked their papers and the moose said everything was in order.

"Where are you headed?"

"Our truck is about a half mile from here, but it's slow going as the antlers keep hanging up on trees and bushes."

"You know boys, if you drag him by the antlers it'll go a lot easier."

"Thanks officer we'll try it!"

A while later Jake tells Louis
"You know, Louis, the warden was right, this is going a lot easier!"

Louis replies,
"It sure is, but we're getting farther and farther from the truck."

[richard2717]

Can’t believe this...I get it. You hated him 4 years ago and you still hate him now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him.
Yes there have been some scandals, yes there have been some lies, and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time.
Call it jealously, call it envy, some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has, could even be jealous that he's got a foreign model as his wife.
You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it.
I know its possibly going to get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay...

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Can’t believe this...I get it. You hated him 4 years ago and you still hate him now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him.
Yes there have been some scandals, yes there have been some lies, and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time.
Call it jealously, call it envy, some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has, could even be jealous that he's got a foreign model as his wife.
You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it.
I know its possibly going to get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay...

Got me good....

[truckster]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Can’t believe this...I get it. You hated him 4 years ago and you still hate him now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him.
Yes there have been some scandals, yes there have been some lies, and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time.
Call it jealously, call it envy, some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has, could even be jealous that he's got a foreign model as his wife.
You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it.
I know its possibly going to get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay...

I was thinking this thread was about to get shut down hard.

[richard2717]

Originally Posted by truckster

I was thinking this thread was about to get shut down hard.

trust me I read it several times before posting to make sure that would not happen.

[GOPAPA]

[cornerstone]

Thats a good one GOPAPA!

[truckster]

True story - I had a customer bring in a brand-new 76 Camaro with a really loud and annoying rattle in the driver's door. I took off the door panel and found an empty whiskey bottle in the bottom of the door.

[Clatterville trolley]

Originally Posted by truckster

True story - I had a customer bring in a brand-new 76 Camaro with a really loud and annoying rattle in the driver's door. I took off the door panel and found an empty whiskey bottle in the bottom of the door.

In 1971-73 I worked in new car get ready for a local Ford dealer. We sold a new Ford Thunderbird at that time $6 or 7 thousand which was a lot compared to $2500 for a Pinto.
The new owner brought it back the next day and said every time he stopped he heard a noise, but if he continued to move forward and stopping it didn't make the noise anymore. However, if he then backed up and stopped he heard the same noise. Yet, if he continued to back up and stop there wasn't any noise.
I must have drawn the short straw because it was brought to me to find the source of the noise. I proceeded to remove the dash, passenger door and seat. Customer happened to walk into the work area and they almost had to call 911 for a heart attack.
I finally found the source of the noise - some wise guy at the factory had poked a seat mounting stud through the upside down reinforcement for the seat to bolt to. It was laying long ways with the long distance of the reinforcement, so it would roll forward when you stopped about 2-3 inches - the width of the upside down channel, but lay there and not move if you continued to drive forward and stop. Naturally, it did the same thing in reverse when you stopped.
About drove me off the deep end until I found it. Jay

[richard2717]

Man Walks Into Restaurant With an Emu by His Side.

A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be $18.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu go to the restaurant again and the man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

The emu says: “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks: “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man. “Me too,” says the emu.

The waitress brings the order and says: “That will be $42.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer and says:
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “Several years ago I was cleaning my house and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks: “But, sir, what’s with the emu?”

The man sighs and answers: “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Man Walks Into Restaurant With an Emu by His Side.

A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be $18.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu go to the restaurant again and the man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

The emu says: “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks: “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man. “Me too,” says the emu.

The waitress brings the order and says: “That will be $42.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer and says:
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “Several years ago I was cleaning my house and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks: “But, sir, what’s with the emu?”

The man sighs and answers: “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

very good!!!

[1976gmc20]

Three old men are sitting on a park bench.

First old guy says:
You know, I'm in pretty good shape for my age. I attribute it to clean living: no smoking, no drinking, staying true to my wife for 50 years.

Second old guy says:
I'm in pretty good shape too, but I believe in moderation. I liked to smoke a cigar and drink whisky in the evenings, and I may have had a fling or two on the side.

Third old guy says:
Man, I did all those things - and more! Sex, drugs, drinking, wild parties, and fast cars.

First old guy says:
Wow, you don't look any worse off than us! How old are you, anyway?

Third old guy says:
Twenty-four.

[Getter-Done]

A joke For All you Poker Players


A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him,

So he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.

After several weeks went by,

He came home early one Friday night about 9:30.

His wife asked him how come he was home early.

He told her, "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house,
I lost you to him in the card game tonight."

His wife became furious and started to give him (Down the road) a Piece of her mind.

She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"

He replied,

"It was the hardest thing I ever done...

I had to fold with four aces."











.

[richard2717]

A woman strolls into her local welfare office to sign up for Obama’s freebies with her 15 kids.
“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they be all mine,” the flustered momma says, having heard that question a million times before.
The momma said, “SIT DOWN LEROY!” And ALL the kids rushed to find a seat.
“Well,” the social worker says, “You must be here to sign up. So I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“Well, to keep it simple, the boys is all named Leroy and the girls is all named Leighroy.”
In disbelief the the case worker asks, “Are you serious? They’re ALL named LEROY?”
Their momma replied, “Well yeah, it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed for school I yells, ‘LEROY!’ And when it be time fo suppa I be yelling ‘LEROY!’ An they all be coming runnin.
An’ if I needs to stop the kid who be playin’ in da street I just yells LEROY, and all of dem stops. It be the smartest thing I ever done thunk of, namin dem all LEROY.
The social worker thinks this all over for a bit then scratches her head and asks, “But what if you want just ONE kid to come and not the whole bunch?”
Momma replied, “Then I calls them by they last name…”

[richard2717]

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet. So he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man. Who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked. “What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?”

“No” the man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

[richard2717]

Man Tries To Give Wife Perfect Birthday.

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie – the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”

The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[Getter-Done]

.













.

[richard2717]

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out!

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing.
The principal walks by and sees him.

He asks, “Little Johnny, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?”

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” Said the Johnny

The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I’m outside in the fresh air.”

[Ol Blue K20]

How true it is