Joke Thread

[richard2717]

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[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

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Best One Yet







In My Opinion






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[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

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[prairewolf]

Ole and Lena had a big house party, later in evening Ole could not find Sven. He looked everywhere and finally found him in bed with Lena, he went back to all the guests with laughter and a smile on his face. The guests asked him what was so funny. He said Sven is So Drunk he thinks he is me!

[richard2717]

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[RustyPile]

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.


At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."

[Palf70Step]

[Stocker]

[1976gmc20]

Three things that happen when you get older:

1) You start forgetting things

2) ......?

3) .......?

[GOPAPA]

A doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by GOPAPA

A doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

[Boog]

Turn

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Boog

Turn

Now that's funny right there......

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Boog

Turn

I know some people like this
There is a few of them at my place of employment









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[Getter-Done]

The Night Watchman lost his Job

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory.

There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift and so every

morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job

to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man

pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate.

Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with
that newspaper.
So he removed the paper only to find nothing.

Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the

lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."

The guard let him pass but decided to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that.

Week after week it went on.

The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint.

The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a

message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.

He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the

boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise.

"Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed.

So you're fired."


"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed.
Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered.

"Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?"









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source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Wheelbarrow#ixzz6cDriNZ1u

[68bowtie]

After reading the first line I couldn’t help but think of this...

[72 tigger]

Originally Posted by Boog

Turn

Reminds me of this guy

[richard2717]

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

[richard2717]

Two blondes walk into a building





you would think at least one of them would have seen it

[68bowtie]

The ranch one is awesome lol

[Ol Blue K20]

I like them all.

[1976gmc20]

Originally Posted by 68bowtie

The ranch one is awesome lol

Sounds about like me when I was logging and had a couple guys working for me. I kept them paid up but then I had to take a winter job to pay off my fuel bill. No joke, either.

[richard2717]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...

[Greasey Harley]

Two blonds standing across the river from each other.
The first one yells across "How do I get to the other side of the river?
The second one yells back "You ARE on the other side of the river!!"

[Boog]

Signs