Joke Thread

[richard2717]

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

[Getter-Done]

Remember to respect your elders!

A 71-year-old man made the trip back to his old college
to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.

As he got to the campus he saw a young man studying hard,
and the sight brought back memories.
He sat on the bench beside the lad,
but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.

“You old man.
Your generation will never understand my generation,” the kid lectured.
“You grew up in a different world.
In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine,” the student said.

“Is that right?” the elder man said.

“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves.
I can carry hundreds of books on a tiny chip in my cell phone.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and,” he paused to take swig of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son.
We didn’t have those things when we were young – so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little bastard,
what are you doing for the next generation?”


The student fell completely silent and all the people around them cheered!











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[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

Remember to respect your elders!

A 71-year-old man made the trip back to his old college
to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.

As he got to the campus he saw a young man studying hard,
and the sight brought back memories.
He sat on the bench beside the lad,
but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.

“You old man.
Your generation will never understand my generation,” the kid lectured.
“You grew up in a different world.
In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine,” the student said.

“Is that right?” the elder man said.

“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves.
I can carry hundreds of books on a tiny chip in my cell phone.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and,” he paused to take swig of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son.
We didn’t have those things when we were young – so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little bastard,
what are you doing for the next generation?”


The student fell completely silent and all the people around them cheered!











.

Nice!! I really like that one...

[truckster]

My daughter shared this with me yesterday.

[LockDoc]

-
The last straw....

[richard2717]

Dang Leon don't scare me like that. Got this email notification and 1st thought was somebody posted something wrong and you were closing the thread

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[LockDoc]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Dang Leon don't scare me like that. Got this email notification and 1st thought was somebody posted something wrong and you were closing the thread

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Just trying to keep you on your toes Richard...... and clean...

LockDoc

[richard2717]

walk

[richard2717]

ng.

[richard2717]

14.

[richard2717]

Buddy & Mick worked together and were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Buddy answered, "Panty Stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.
When Buddy found out, he was furious.
He stormed back into the Unemployment Office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled laborers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled laborers."
“What skill?” yelled Buddy.
"I sew da elastic on da panties and thongs;
Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
"Yep, diesel fitter."

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Buddy & Mick worked together and were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Buddy answered, "Panty Stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.
When Buddy found out, he was furious.
He stormed back into the Unemployment Office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled laborers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled laborers."
“What skill?” yelled Buddy.
"I sew da elastic on da panties and thongs;
Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
"Yep, diesel fitter."

[SCOTI]

Originally Posted by Ol Blue K20

Nice!! I really like that one...

x2.

[richard2717]

strap

[Getter-Done]

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[richard2717]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we must know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Michelle during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Michelle kept shouting----------
"OH MY GOD."

[Getter-Done]

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[richard2717]

can't fix stupid...

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[SCOTI]

Originally Posted by richard2717

can't fix stupid...

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We had that happen not to long ago here in the DFW area. Someone was pulling someone else on a bike on the highway & something went very wrong. Killed the rider.

[truckster]

Originally Posted by richard2717

can't fix stupid...

I'm just surprised that Darwin let them get that far.

[Boog]

Old Bern spotted everywhere.

[Steeveedee]

Two young men are walking through a cemetery when they hear cries of anguish coming from a nearby grave.

They approach and see a man kneeling before a grave, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Why did you have to die?", asks the man, "It's been terrible without you! My life has been miserable. Sometimes I wish I was dead, too!"

One of the young men approaches and asks, "Are you okay, sir? Whose grave is that?"

"My wife's first husband!" The man cries out in anguish.

[Palf70Step]

[richard2717]

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen... I can feel it.

[72 tigger]

Making good use of the snow