Jokes MMXXV

[Steeveedee]

Ya'll know the rules?

I'll start it with a filthy joke my aunt loved. A white horse fell in the mud.

[Getter-Done]

Maybe like this.

[Getter-Done]

[Getter-Done]

A supermarket in the UK has launched a new AI tool that helps customers choose wine. The app looks at your menu, your personal preferences, and your budget…
And automatically chooses the second least expensive bottle.

[Boog]

Uh oh. Here he comes.

[BRL]

Originally Posted by Steeveedee

Ya'll know the rules?...

Good luck, my tries kept getting shut down.

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by BRL

Good luck, my tries kept getting shut down.

I don't expect a long life here, either, tbh.

[CG]

Ibl

[CG]

And a couple more because we are a bunch of old geezers haha!

[BRL]

Originally Posted by Steeveedee

I don't expect a long life here, either, tbh.

...any minute now.

[Steeveedee]

They say eyelashes are supposed to keep things out of our eyes.

So, why is it every time I have something in my eye, it's an eyelash?

[Keith Seymore]

Originally Posted by Steeveedee

They say eyelashes are supposed to keep things out of our eyes.

So, why is it every time I have something in my eye, it's an eyelash?

Job security.

K

[truckster]

Originally Posted by Keith Seymore

Job security.

K

Sounds like government work...

[BRL]

...

[BRL]

Yup

[Getter-Done]

What do you call a person who inherits a dairy farm?

A dairy heir.
-
My son knows the first 16 letters of the alphabet really well, but always gets confused with what comes next
.
Happens every time, right on Q.
-
Keanu Reeves is not a big fan of April Fools.

He prefers the May Tricks.
-
I got fired from my job because they said my communication skills were lacking.

I honestly don’t know what to say.
-
I asked the waitress if my pancakes would be long.

She said “No sir, they’ll be round."
-
How long am I supposed to leave this revenge in the fridge before I serve it?

The instructions are not clear at all.
-
I finally know why they call me a grown up.

I groan every time I get up.

[Steeveedee]

I get that groaning, with my arthritic knees. BoT-

The police came and talked to me about my dogs chasing kids on their bikes. My dogs don't even have bikes!

[Getter-Done]

What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard! Its the best thing for a hot dog.



Why did the Eskimo name his dog "Frost"?

Because "Frost" bites.

​

Which dog always knows what time it is?

A watch dog.

​

​

​

I have stopped the dog from digging up the garden.

I confiscated his shovel.


I named my 2 dogs Rolex and Timex.

They are my watch dogs.









What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler with a hyena?
I have no idea, but if it starts to laugh, I'm joining in.





Why is a noisy yappy dog like a tree?
They both have a lot of bark.

​

​
What do you have if you breed a cocker spaniel with a poodle and a rooster?
A cockerpoodlepoo!

​

​

​Why do dogs make terrible dancers?
Because most of them have 2 left feet.

​

​

​What is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
Well, one of them wags his tail and the other tags his whales.

​

​

​What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his yummy dog dinner?
MMM, that hit the spots.

​

​

​What kind of dog is the quietest sleeper of all?
A hush puppy.

​

​

​What do you call a magical dog?
A labra-cadabra-dor.

​

​

​What do you call a dog that was born with no legs?
It really doesn't matter, he ain't coming.

​

​

​Paddy is extremely upset when his dog runs away.

His wife says to him "Paddy, why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

Paddy thinks that this is a great idea so he proceeds to do so.

Paddy hasn't heard anything back from the ad in weeks when his wife asks him "What did you you put in the ad for our missing dog Paddy?"

Paddy replies "here boy."

​

​

​

​

​

I used a spot remover on my dog.....
He disappeared.

​

​​

Where abouts should you never ever take a dog shopping?
A flea market

​
​
​

What did the first flea say to the second flea?
Should we walk or just take the dog?

​

​​

How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard

​

​

Husband: It is raining cats and dogs now
Wife: That is ok, so long as it doesn't reindeer.

​

​

​
Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering

​

​
​

I bought a dog from a blacksmith, when I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

​

​



How can you be sure that you have a slow dog?
It chases parked cars.

​


​

What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

​

​
​

A man walks into his local vet and says "My dog Rover is cross-eyed, is there any way in which you can help him?"
"Hmm, let me take a look at him" says the vet as he picks up Rover.
Whilst holding the dog, the vet checks Rovers paws, eyes, teeth and tail until finally the vet says "I think I am going to have to put Rover down".
The man is shocked is shocked and says "Really? Just because he is cross-eyed?"
The vet then replies "No, because he is too heavy to hold any longer".

​

​
​

Why is the Redwood Tree most dogs favourite kind of tree?
Because it has the biggest bark.

​

​
​

What do you get if you cross a dog with a phone?
A golden receiver

​

​

​

Bruno the dog was watching a movie. Why did the movie keep stopping and starting?
Because he couldn't resist pressing the paws button.

​

​

​
Why do dogs really like sandpaper?
Because it is extremely ruff.

​

​

​What did the dalmation have to say after he ate his dog biscuits?
Ah, that really hit the spots.

​

​
​

What did the man get who tried to cross breed a computer with a dog?
Too many bites too handle

​

​
​

Man: Our dog is such a good, clever boy dear. He brings in a newspaper everyday
Wife: I guess that is pretty clever
Man: Yes, especially when we have never signed up or bought a subscription to any.

​

​

​

I may have to get my dog’s tail removed unfortunately.
My mother in law arrives next month and I plan on getting rid of anything that gives her any idea that she is welcome.

​

​

​
Why did the mother flea feel so depressed.
Because all her kids were going the dogs.

​

​
​

I can't take my dog down to the local pond anymore., because the ducks keep attacking him.
It is my fault for choosing a dog that is a pure bread.le.

​

​
​
Why are dogs unable to get an MRI scan?
Because only CAT scan.

​

​

​
Which dog loves having his hair washed in the bath?
A shampoodoodle

​​

​

How many hairs are in a dog's tail?
None, They are all on the outside.

​

​

What kind of dog keeps talking about his problems?
A complaint Bernard.

​

​​

What is the most boring type of dog.
A dullmation

​

​

A large number of dogs escaped the SPCA today.
Police are looking for leads.

​

​

​

​

What is the difference between a man and a dog?

A man wears trousers, a dog pants.

​

​

​

​

​

Every single day I have a German Shepherd come and take a dump on my lawn in the morning.

Today he even brought his dog with him!

​

​

​

​

What do you call a dog that is in a submarine?

A sub woofer.

​

​

​

What do you call a cowardly dog?

A golden retreater.

​

​

​

Where do dogs go after losing their tail?

The retail store.







Why can't you tell knock knock jokes to a dog?

Knock knock

dog: "grrrr, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark"

​

​

​

How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello?

Konichihuahua

​

​

​

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for it.

​

​

​

Man 1: "My dog has no nose"

Man2: "How does he smell?"

Man 1: "Awful"

[Steeveedee]

One day, God looked down at Earth and saw all the mischief going on, so He called one of His angels and sent him down to observe for a while.
When the angel returned, he reported, “It’s bad down there. About 95% of people are misbehaving, and only 5% are behaving well.”
God paused and said, “Maybe I should get a second opinion.” So He sent another angel to Earth.
After some time, the second angel returned and said, “It’s true. The world is going downhill. Roughly 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are doing the right thing.”
God was disappointed. He decided to email the 5% who were behaving well, hoping to encourage them and help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?
No?
Funny… I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

[CG]

I tried to talk my wife in to this ... she said no.

[BRL]

Originally Posted by CG

I tried to talk my wife in to this ... she said no.

Glad I'm single and retired!

[Steeveedee]

Seals

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by steeveedee

seals

[Boog]

"when I get home, Jr, I'm gonna punch yo mama in the mouth"

[68bowtie]

Som random ones I saved…