Tools you need to restore an old truck!

[cadman89]

Tools you need to restore an old truck!

1. Drill Press: A tall upright machine usefull for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part that you are drying.

2. Wire wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "sh**!!#"

3. Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. Pliers: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: it transforms human energy into a crooked , unpridicable motion, and the more you attempt to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. Vise Grip Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheelhub your trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motocycles, they are now mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. Eight foot long Douglas Fir 4X4: used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. Tweezers: A tool for removing splinters of wood. Especially Douglas Fir.

12. Telephone: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically usefull as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z Out bolt and stud extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. Two Ton hydraulic engine hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. Aviation Metel Snips: (see hacksaw)

18. Trouble Light: The home-builders own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is otherwise not found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be expended say in the first day of the battle of the bulge. More often dark than light it's name is somewhat misleading.

19. Phillips Screwdriver. Normally used to stab the tops of oil cans and normally squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used as the name implies to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power-plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 20 years ago by someone at General Motors, and rounds them off!

21. Pry-Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you need to remove to replace that 50 cent part.

22. Hose Cutter: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit with it.