Joke Thread

[richard2717]

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[richard2717]

WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Arkansas, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury).
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Arkansas, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury).
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

that sounds plausible. Maybe it happened.

[Palf70Step]

[Steeveedee]

When the person who invented USB dies, they'll start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, and then lower it again.

[richard2717]

Originally Posted by Steeveedee

When the person who invented USB dies, they'll start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, and then lower it again.

[Nut Case]

Late Saturday night the city cop was making his rounds, when he saw this ole wino dragging a logging chain down the middle of the road. The cop ask the wino why he's dragging the logging chain down the middle of the road. The ole wino reply's " have you ever tried pushin one"


Keep on keepin on


nutz

[4u2nv]

Local guy working at the service station , pumping gas , washing windshields gets gas on his arm one day , while walking home that day he lights up a smoke and his arm catches fire , he's running down the street with his arm on fire and a cop pulls up and ends up charging him !!!!!!!!




FOR WAVING A FIREARM.

[Sheepdip]

Here's something we can all agree on:
>> The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.
>> If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
>> If they don't, the country is safe.

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by Sheepdip

Here's something we can all agree on:
>> The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.
>> If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
>> If they don't, the country is safe.

[Ol Blue K20]

Here's a joke for ya........California...... Ok, back to my corner.....

[72 tigger]

I know, it’s a ford

[Palf70Step]

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[1976gmc20]

My great-grandpappy was from Burnt Mattress, Arkansas.

For those of you that don't know, that's just above Hot Springs.

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by 1976gmc20

My great-grandpappy was from Burnt Mattress, Arkansas.

For those of you that don't know, that's just above Hot Springs.

[richard2717]

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[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

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I will buy 2.
That is 8 hours worth Right????










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[Steeveedee]

I'm more impressed by the size of the crystal grains in the zinc plating, to be honest.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Steeveedee

I'm more impressed by the size of the crystal grains in the zinc plating, to be honest.

The orgone accumulator heal the little crystals. I need me one of those.

[Getter-Done]

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[Ol Blue K20]

That's funny but true. I need to remember that line.

[richard2717]

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[Custom 68]

oh Richard...another good one

[richard2717]

Drafting Guys Over 70.
I am close to 80 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!!
How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN has attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[1976gmc20]

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month

Speak for yourself!