Joke Thread

[richard2717]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Boog]

men's health made easy

[Shifty One]

[CG]

……

[Boog]

quick

[HO455]

Originally Posted by Boog

a little gangsta?

Maybe too many reruns of Ben Hur?

[1970 CST Short Wide]

Lol

[68bowtie]

Nailed it!!!

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by stocker

that is freaky

x2!

[Boog]

it's hot!

[richard2717]

finally got my garage door replaced this weekend. what a pain in the ass. Seemed like all the instructions were wrong, but i got it.


.

[Boog]

I have used that machine and yes it did dispense adult beverages too.

[richard2717]

Originally Posted by Boog

I have used that machine and yes it did dispense adult beverages too.

My last one finally gave up the ghost last year. The old ones like that kept everything right above ice levels. I don't drink any kind of soda anymore so I never replaced it.

[richard2717]

I'm just back from Walmart I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for candies, toys and all sorts of other kiddo things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

I'm just back from Walmart I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for candies, toys and all sorts of other kiddo things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.

[Boog]

[Boog]

I'm here to tell ya I had it used on me plenty of times in my youth!

[Boog]

"Rabbi,I'm going to a seaside on vacation,but I've heard that women there can be dressed very immodestly. So rabbi,can an ortodox Jew look at a woman wearing mini skirt and low neckline shirt?"
"Yes he can."
"And a bikini?"
"Yes he can"
"And what about topless?"
"Yes he can"
"So rabbi,are there any things Jew should not look at?"
"There are"
"What would they be?"
"Welding."

[Sheepdip]

Originally Posted by Boog

I have used that machine and yes it did dispense adult beverages too.

Years ago we had a soda machine in the shop for the guy's n gal's it basically dispensed 3 or 4 types of soda, water and energy drink's.

The guy that owned and maintained it went on vacation and his son was refilling it for a couple of weeks. He evidently did not know or did not care that the drinks had certain rows or slots because it was a Roulette Wheel as to what would come out the bottom.

[Steeveedee]

^ When I worked as a mechanic, the owner put cheapo Smart&Final pop in the vending machine. The labels read "Coke", etc. A lot of people were not pleased.

I remember playing cards in the barracks when I was in Navy "A"-school and buying beer from a vending machine. 35¢ a can, iirc.

[3757chevy]

Originally Posted by richard2717

I'm just back from Walmart I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for candies, toys and all sorts of other kiddo things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.

[richard2717]

gear

[richard2717]

help

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

help

I can Totally understand this.

I take instructions from an (Almost )40 year experienced person.

He's got Experience alright.

He has been Flubbing Up for that long (He got it Down Pat) and think he Knows Everything.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

I can Totally understand this.

I take instructions from an (Almost )40 year experienced person.

He's got Experience alright.

He has been Flubbing Up for that long (He got it Down Pat) and think he Knows Everything.

I've experienced this too.....I have had apprentices teach me a trick or two...