Joke Thread

[davischevy]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

^ Is that what you’ve heard, or is that speaking from experience?

My wife laughed hysterically.

[Boog]

Rrr

[Boog]

"I stepped out this morning and it was so cold. I mean, I don't want to over react but Merry Christmas ya'll"

[kwmech]

OK-----I'll bite----How cold was it.................?

[Stocker]

Cold enough to keep your brass monkeys inside?

[GOPAPA]

[QUOTE=Stocker;8849958]Cold enough to keep your brass monkeys inside?[/QUOTE

This reminds me of what I used to hear a lot at work ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

It's colder that a well workers ( I'll change the word that used to be said after workers to "behind"

[Boog]

da cat

[Boog]

Hurricane tip

[richard2717]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: November 18, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.

[72 tigger]

“Freaking hot”- good one

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: November 18, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.

Very good!

[richard2717]

Custom variable speed grinder with extra rare pulse option.

Don't low ball me I know what I got


.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Custom variable speed grinder with extra rare pulse option.

Don't low ball me I know what I got


.

holy cow! Look at how dirty that is.....someone actually uses that thing!

[Getter-Done]

That Gives a whole new meaning to Off-Hand grinding








.

[K5Fan]

Those are great! Some told before, but always good to hear again.

So...Two Irish Lads are hopelessly lost at sea in a rowboat. As they were aimlessly floating about, and bottle floats up next to the boat. They grab the bottle, pull the cork, and a genie appears before them.

The genie says, (With an Irish accent) "I'll grant ye one wish, and one wish only". Before they can talk about it, one of the Irishmen says, "I want you to change the entire ocean into the best Irish Stout Beer Ever!". POOF, the entire ocean turned into the best stout beer. The other Irishman says, "Why'd you do that?". The man who made the wish said, "I thought you'd like it!", and the other said, "I do, but now we've got to pee in the boat!"

I guess it really is all about the beer! Happy Holidays!!

[richard2717]

...

[72 tigger]

...

[Getter-Done]

Billy Bob and Dale were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Dale,
“Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I’m gonna do it different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico,
and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Bahamas and
darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”


Dale asks Billy Bob,
“So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
“I’m taking Earlene with me.”









.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

Billy Bob and Dale were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Dale,
“Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I’m gonna do it different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico,
and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Bahamas and
darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”


Dale asks Billy Bob,
“So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
“I’m taking Earlene with me.”









.

[Getter-Done]

Redneck family was visiting a big city for the first time,
and they found themselves in a shopping mall.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart
and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
“Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen nuthin’like that in my entire life,
I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son,
“Boy, go git yo Momma.”










.

[72 tigger]

Heard the above joke, only it was Amish instead of redneck- good one

[richard2717]

...

[Ol Blue K20]

Ouch!!!!

[1976gmc20]

Chevy with Big block

Lowered, also

Or maybe, "dropped"

[Steeveedee]

Reports are coming from the Sun that 2020 is threatening to stay on for another term. This would require that Earth stop orbiting for another year, but there is apparently nothing in the Constitution that would prevent this. 2020 has already reached out to Jupiter and Saturn to exert more gravitational force and hold Earth in its place, and they are having a very close meeting right now to discuss the proposal. The Sun is perplexed, as it has never faced this situation in its 4.603 billion years. It has convened a counsel of its closest advisors - Mercury and Venus - but no one is sure what to do. 2021 is waiting its turn just a few million miles away, but 2020, in typical fashion, has told it to kiss off. The outer planets are fine with the proposal, as they never liked those warmer planets anyway and would like to screw them up any way possible. In a recent tweet, 2020 said "The Laws of Nature are Rigged!! Not Fair! Fight for another term!"

The Moon and Mars have not stated their positions yet, but the Asteroid Belt is said to be passing out 2020 flags, sporting the logo "Make the Solar System Great Again". They plan threatening flybys for any 2021 supporters.