Joke Thread

[richard2717]

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[richard2717]

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[1976gmc20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

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I just put this up as my desktop picture. Pretty much fits my mood right now:

[kwmech]

Originally Posted by 1976gmc20

I just put this up as my desktop picture. Pretty much fits my mood right now:

I can relate

[Boog]

I knew old Joe reminded me of somebody I had seen and now I know. He's actually Walter!!!

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Boog

I knew old Joe reminded me of somebody I had seen and now I know. He's actually Walter!!!

Don't you mean our friend "Grumpy old man".

[Boog]

pssst. They're all the same guyyyyy.

[Getter-Done]

Careful

You will wake up Grumpy











.

[Ol Blue K20]

You guys crack me up!

[1976gmc20]

Grumpy ...

[Boog]

Grumpy er.

[1976gmc20]

Speaking of open range:

[1976gmc20]

Copy Cat

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Boog

Grumpy er.

Originally Posted by 1976gmc20

Speaking of open range:

Originally Posted by 1976gmc20

Copy Cat

[Getter-Done]

.

[richard2717]

Mule Trading
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Pearl River , LA. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux replied, “Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Boudreaux said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Thibodeaux said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Boudreaux & Thibodeaux at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,
"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, “My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Boudreaux said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison

[1976gmc20]

Technically a profit of $898 after subtracting the $100 paid for the dead mule.

[1976gmc20]

Just in case I suddenly stop posting, you will know tha

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by 1976gmc20

Just in case I suddenly stop posting, you will know tha

really!

[davischevy]

A politician visited a remote little rural village
and asked the locals what the government
could do for them.


"We have two big needs,” said the village
headman. “First, we have a hospital but no
doctor.”



The politician whipped out his cellphone,
spoke for a while and then said, “I have
sorted that out. A doctor will arrive here
tomorrow. What is your other need?”



We have no cellphone reception in
our village !!

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by davischevy

A politician visited a remote little rural village
and asked the locals what the government
could do for them.


"We have two big needs,” said the village
headman. “First, we have a hospital but no
doctor.”



The politician whipped out his cellphone,
spoke for a while and then said, “I have
sorted that out. A doctor will arrive here
tomorrow. What is your other need?”



We have no cellphone reception in
our village !!

OMG!! That's funny! Reminds me of my cabin.

[Boog]

Shenanigans, because life is more fun when you're up to something.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

[richard2717]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the government approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

[richard2717]

Manager Had To Hire A New Employee. He Asked 4 Applicants The Same Question, The Last Answer Is Priceless!

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked,

“What is the fastest thing you know of?”
The first man replied, “A thought. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And, now you sir?” he asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

Turning to Bob, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bob replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea.”

“What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh sure,” said Bob. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants.” Bob is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

[FirstOwner69]

GOOGLE PIZZA

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future 🤖