Joke Thread

[LockDoc]

-
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life
miserable. The only real peace he enjoyed was when he
was out in the field working.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife
brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he
quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of
nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule
kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head,
and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the
women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his
head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke
quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to
side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left,
the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it
that you nodded your head up and down to all the women
and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she
looked, and her dress was so pretty," so I agreed by
nodding my head up and down.

The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

LockDoc

[Sheepdip]

Originally Posted by LockDoc

-
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life
miserable. The only real peace he enjoyed was when he
was out in the field working.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife
brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he
quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of
nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule
kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head,
and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the
women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his
head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke
quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to
side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left,
the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it
that you nodded your head up and down to all the women
and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she
looked, and her dress was so pretty," so I agreed by
nodding my head up and down.

The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

LockDoc

I like it!

[Ol Blue K20]

very funny! I'm looking for mule now.....

[Stocker]

Oh man, I did not see that one coming!

[Boog]

Neither did she..

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Boog

Neither did she..

[richard2717]

jeep

[Palf70Step]

so TRUE!

[LockDoc]

-
Covid hasn't affected Granny any....

LockDoc

[Boog]

Maybe she'll get some glasses with her stimulus money.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

jeep

Who says rust is bad!!

[truckster]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

I actually had this one happen to me driving across Wyoming years ago. I was going about 25 over when an RX7 blew past me. About half a mile later Wyoming Highway Patrol stopped me. I mentioned that the RX7 was going way faster than me. He said, "Yeah, I saw him, but I would have had to work harder to catch him."

[71CHEVYSHORTBED402]

Here's an old one that was floating around the internet start-up. Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, who were native Texans that the chili wouldn't be too spicy, and the beer was free, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A bit heavy on the tomato, but amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Wholly shot what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They called in three pitchers of beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, and a bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; she’s starting to look HOT! just like this nuclear-waste I am eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. The cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I said her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. The other judges asked me to stop screaming, flocking Rednecks!

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except fat Sally. I need to wipe my bass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes like they threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note I am worried about Judge number 3.

FRANK: You could put flaking grenade in my mouth, pull the flocking pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava sheet to match my shirt. At least they'll know what killed me from the autopsy. I've decided to stop breathing, it's just too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I can just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see most of the chili was lost when Judge # 3 passed out pulling the chili pot on top of him, poor Yankee.

(Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

[richard2717]

Been a few days since I heard that one. Love it

[SCOTI]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Been a few days since I heard that one. Love it

I started crying I was chuckling so hard.... (I arrived in TX as a youth from up North/East).

[72c20customcamper]

...

[Getter-Done]

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[richard2717]

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii , or just a low ha

[richard2717]

Irish humor
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[richard2717]

charge

[Palf70Step]

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Irish humor
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[richard2717]

horse

[Getter-Done]

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Leftover Parts from Years of Projects




Do you see anything Wrong with these Tires







Repaired my Frame What do you think??













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[SCOTI]

^^If she wanted to go to church.... I'd take her (& I don't go to church)