Joke Thread

[truckster]

Dang, I'm old...

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by truckster

Dang, I'm old...

Yeah, me too...

[Keith Seymore]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

"If you used one of these...."
.

My dad figured out that the little springs in those were perfect for recurving distributors.

You could couldn't find one of those racks in the shop that didn't go "bzzzzttt" and pile the whole towel on the floor.

K

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Keith Seymore

My dad figured out that the little springs in those were perfect for recurving distributors.

You could couldn't find one of those racks in the shop that didn't go "bzzzzttt" and pile the whole towel on the floor.

K

.

[Steeveedee]

Premise: Most people will swim in the ocean, even though there are many human corpses in it.

Premise: Most people will NOT swim in a pool with a single human corpse in it.

Conclusion: There is a corpse-to-water ratio that most people find acceptable.

[richard2717]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[richard2717]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Mr "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Mr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Mr Young: " Aaagh !! this is petrol!”
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Mr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Mr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Mr Young: "Oh, no you don't, that is petrol!”
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.
That will be $500.”
Mr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Mr Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Mr Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; that will be $500.”
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".

[FleetsidePaul]

[1976gmc20]

/*

[1976gmc20]

/*

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by 1976gmc20

/*

Oh, that's great!!!

[Getter-Done]

.

[Getter-Done]

.
















.

[Getter-Done]

.












.

[Getter-Done]

.


















.

[1976gmc20]

moo

[1976gmc20]

ah-hah!

[1976gmc20]

"anything"

[roll_the_dice]

So True!

[richard2717]

mock

[FleetsidePaul]

A guy is sitting with his wife. She asks. Would you remarry if I died?
He told her the he didn't want to talk about it. But she persisted.
He finally said. Yes. I probably would
She asked would you sell the house?
No. There's nothing wrong with the house.
Would you sell our bed?
No. there's nothing wrong with the bed.
Would you give her my golf clubs?
No. She's left handed.

[Boog]

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by FleetsidePaul

A guy is sitting with his wife. She asks. Would you remarry if I died?
He told her the he didn't want to talk about it. But she persisted.
He finally said. Yes. I probably would
She asked would you sell the house?
No. There's nothing wrong with the house.
Would you sell our bed?
No. there's nothing wrong with the bed.
Would you give her my golf clubs?
No. She's left handed.

[Boog]

A big nose is no excuse for no mask.
I mean, I still wear underwear!

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Boog

A big nose is no excuse for no mask.
I mean, I still wear underwear!

.















.