Joke Thread

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by Ol Blue K20

I hope your (current) wife Doesn'tread this......

you should see the jokes we're trading in PMs...

[FleetsidePaul]

Originally Posted by Ol Blue K20

I hope your (current) wife Doesn't read this......

No worries. She doesn't listen to me.

[LT7A]

Originally Posted by Steeveedee

You never worked on those big tires, especially split rims? If you put the ring on wrong, it can come apart and kill you. Thus, the cage. The tire and wheel are supposed to be inside the cage. Maybe he just got back from a gulag?

Ha, you can see him standing on the little bumps that are meant to keep the tire from rolling out.

[57taskforce]

Originally Posted by FleetsidePaul

Just stick the hose in and take you chances. Like I did with his sister.

[davischevy]

Originally Posted by 57taskforce

Don't laugh at Paul, Tyler.

Your family is getting large enough that it could get expensive to follow in his footsteps.

[57taskforce]

Originally Posted by davischevy

Don't laugh at Paul, Tyler.

Your family is getting large enough that it could get expensive to follow in his footsteps.

Larry, I don’t worry much about her cleaning me out financially if things went in the way of Paul. You over look the fact that her veins are full of Indian blood. I fear the tomahawk more than the money

For the woke crowd, (doesn’t seem to be much of one here) my wife is 4/4 Native American so back off

[Shifty One]

Originally Posted by FleetsidePaul

Just stick the hose in and take you chances. Like I did with his sister.

[weq92f]

.

This is kinda neat...

[FleetsidePaul]

Originally Posted by weq92f

.

This is kinda neat...

Brilliant.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by weq92f

.

This is kinda neat...

I love it!!

[FleetsidePaul]

I want this. I want it bad.

[LockDoc]

Originally Posted by FleetsidePaul

I want this. I want it bad.

It's actually mounted upside down. Mine...err ahh, I mean my buddies, is mounted with the wider side at the bottom..... Easier to see whats on the shelves that way and you can use the handle for a towel bar.

LockDoc

[FleetsidePaul]

What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum....

Get your mind out of the gutter.

[richard2717]

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the OPP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister

[richard2717]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK, I can't parallel park-----------you do it, you smug S.O.B."

[richard2717]

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”
The first man replied, “A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.
“And, now you sir?” he asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a BLINK! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”
He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA!”
“What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh sure,” said Bubba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants.”
Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

[richard2717]

silent

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

silent

Some good ones today

[Stocker]

Wife ---- a smart Husband is silent

[richard2717]

Some men are real clods when they attempt to be romantic. Other men don’t even try. In the following account, a wife thought her husband was being romantic until he said the wrong thing.
A woman awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him
She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispered as she stepped into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looked up from his drink. “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She couldn’t believe he had remembered and started to tear up.
The husband continued. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.
Once again the wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”
“I remember that, too,” she replied softly.
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today”
This is the kind of anniversary a husband should just not mention to a wife.

[Steeveedee]

mask!

[Ol Blue K20]

That mask gives me clausterphobia!

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by Ol Blue K20

That mask gives me clausterphobia!

It gives me the heebie-jeebies!

[Steeveedee]

My youngest brother had radiation treatments for laryngeal cancer. They made a mask to the shape of his head. When he was getting the radiation, the mask was screwed to the table so he couldn't move his head and mess up the way the doses were delivered. You'd have to drug me to sleep to do that to me.

[crazy longhorn]

This a true story.....when I was 10 or 12 yrs old, my dad walked into the bathroom , when I was taking a leak. He said (kid if you shake it more that 3 times, you are playing with it)! Well, he was 30 yrs old....I guess that, he could not tell me that after 60yrs old, that you could shake it all you wanted & you still were not playing with it Longhorn