Joke Thread

[Warrens69GMC]

Originally Posted by richard2717

the midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

lol

[Getter-Done]

Thanks Richard





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[Steeveedee]

One Friday night, a 17-year-old boy went into a bar and sat down at a table in the corner of the pool room. When the waitress walked over to his table, the teenager said: “Gimme a beer.”

The waitress eyed him for a moment and said: “Look, sonny. Do you want to get me in trouble?”

The boy glanced back at her and replied: “Maybe later. Right now all I want is a beer.”

[Bomp]

Two wishes after I die.
1. I want my remains spread over Disney Land via helicopter.
2. I wish not to be cremated.

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by Bomp

Two wishes after I die.
1. I want my remains spread over Disney Land via helicopter.
2. I wish not to be cremated.

Man, that is evil. I am amused! I despise that place.

[Getter-Done]

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[Gregski]

some might agree

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Gregski

some might agree

I totally agree!

[richard2717]

bro

[Getter-Done]

'









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[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

'
Attachment 2128656








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When I'm sitting at a signal, and someone comes flying up behind me and stops very quickly, and all I can see is the hood or maybe only the windshield, I tell my passengers that, "I've just turned into that old man!", and when the light turns green, I let off the brake and PUTT. Don't get me wrong. I'm in just as much in a hurry as anyone else, but man, some stuff just has to be addressed.

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Steeveedee

When I'm sitting at a signal, and someone comes flying up behind me and stops very quickly, and all I can see is the hood or maybe only the windshield, I tell my passengers that, "I've just turned into that old man!", and when the light turns green, I let off the brake and PUTT. Don't get me wrong. I'm in just as much in a hurry as anyone else, but man, some stuff just has to be addressed.

Glad to hear that I am not the only One









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[FleetsidePaul]

The ones that really bug me are the people that tailgate you in bumper to bumper traffic. Like you're supposed to speed up with a thousand cars parked in front of you.

[davischevy]

The ones that bug me are the ones that get in the left lane, then run along beside another vehicle for miles.

And yeah, I don't like tailgaters either. I try to keep a safe distance from the vehicle in front of me, then somebody dives in that space.

[Gregski]

I love the creepers, you know the super busy teenager on their iDevice checking their TickNacks and stopping 4.7 car lengths behind the car in front of them at a red light then looking up from their phone and creeping up 9 feet then braking hard, reading another Influencer message then looking up, creeping up another 3 feet then braking hard, rinse lather repeat, that is especially pleasant when you are trying to head out of town on vacation and want to beat the rush hour traffic

[richard2717]

pass

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

pass

I think I know what the #1 Answer is












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[Warrens69GMC]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

I think I know what the #1 Answer is


Attachment 2128990

nope

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by warrens69gmc

nope

.
Just drinking my Tea















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[Warrens69GMC]

and

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by richard2717

pass

I'm reminded of a joke I saw elsewhere-

Since I've been working from home, a single mother neighbor asked me if I could watch her 5 and 7 year old sons a couple times a week. Tough to refuse, they were good kids. The first couple of times were OK, but when they had watched some TV show and were running around yelling "Yippee-I-Oh-Ky-Aye", and I completed the phrase, she hasn't brought them over here, ever again.

[CWW]

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!

[Steeveedee]

Two men were out hunting when the came across a massive hole in the ground. ‘Wow,’ says one, ‘I can’t even see the the bottom! What could make such a hole?’

‘I’m doggoned if I know,’ says the other, ‘and no notion of how to find out.’

‘Well, maybe we could throw something in and get an idea of how deep it is.’ As usually happens in jokes like this, his friend can’t see anything wrong with the plan, so they start looking around for something to throw in.

After a bit, they find an old tractor tire partly concealed in the bushes. With much huffing and puffing, they get it to the edge of the hole and at the count of three, heave it in.

While they’re standing there and listening for it to hit bottom, a goat comes tearing through the shrubbery at top speed, and launches himself into the hole.

A little dumbfounded (because that’s not something you see everyday), the hunters are staring at the hole when a farmer approaches the two men and says, ‘I don’t suppose you fellas have seen a billy goat around here, have you? Can’t find the blasted creature anywhere.’

‘I hate to tell you,’ says one of the hunters, ‘but it wasn’t two minutes ago that a goat ran through here like the Devil was after him and jumped into this hole.’

The farmer thinks for a moment and say, ‘No, must be a different goat - mine was chained to a tractor tire.’

[Warrens69GMC]

what architect thought this was a good design, had to be a joke, LOL

[richard2717]

tired of the kids saying it don't go fast enough

.