Joke Thread

[prairewolf]

Hemingway said there is only one reason the chicken crossed the road. To die, in the rain.

[kingsolver72]

Originally Posted by prairewolf

Hemingway said there is only one reason the chicken crossed the road. To die, in the rain.

Colonel Sanders “ I missed one?”

[1976gmc20]

Originally Posted by prairewolf

Hemingway said there is only one reason the chicken crossed the road. To die, in the rain.

A chicken walks into a bar.

The bartender says: "what can I do for you?"

The chicken says: "I live across the road and I'm looking for someone to change a light bulb for me."

[richard2717]

Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service at a store in town yesterday,
I don't want to mention the name of the place yet because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from there, I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl that was working told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then, again - she flat out says "NO." I asked to talk to a manager because now I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it was no good. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."

No refund.
No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . . . . .
I''ll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again .........EVER...............

[richard2717]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy,
“you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The old man said,
“Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered,
“Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard,
“One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[LS short box]

So a customer walks into the pet store and goes to the canary cages and finds it empty and the price tag says $125 special order only. He is about to walk out when the owner of the store asks if he can help. The customer said he was looking for a canary because they sing so nice but he can't really afford $125. So the owner says it's a little known fact that a parakeet can sing better than a canary it you file the beak of the parakeet slightly. But if you file it too much the parakeet will drown when it drinks water. And the parakeets are only $20 and in stock. So customer decides to take the parakeet and asks the pet owner where he can get the correct file. He said the hardware store next door stocks the perfect file for this.
So the customer goes over to the hardware store and asks the owner for the correct file and after paying $5 for the file is on his way. But the owner of the hardware store cautioned the customer not to file the beak too much or the parakeet will drown when it drinks water.
So the next day the customer is back at the pet store and the owner asks him how he can help and the customer said the parakeet has died and need another. The pet store owner said you filed the beak too much didn't you and it drown while it drank water? The customer said no the parakeet was dead after I took his head out of the vise!

[special-K]

Originally Posted by richard2717

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts...
… At last, they heard,
“One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

I got the visual

Originally Posted by LS short box

So a customer walks into the pet store and goes to the canary cages...
... next day the customer is back at the pet store and the owner asks him how he can help and the customer said the parakeet has died and need another. The pet store owner said you filed the beak too much didn't you and it drown while it drank water? The customer said no the parakeet was dead after I took his head out of the vise!

Eww...

[Indian113]

A young boy and his dad were walking past a Condom display in the drugstore. The young man looks at his dad and asks - Dad what's a condom for?

The Dad says calmly- So you don't have to answer questions all day!

[richard2717]

TO ALL YOU DOGGIE LOVERS !!!

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well then, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Stocker]

[Rich84]

That made me laugh out loud...

[Ol Blue K20]

Lol!

[Killer Bee]

me: ring - ring - ring

store: hello?

me: y'all have Prince Albert in a can?

store: yes sir!

me: well let him out before he suffocates!








for the youngins that won't get it

[GOPAPA]

I'M FINE

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

[Steeveedee]

udrmn

[72 tigger]

...

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

...

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[68bowtie]

50 million years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth.

One year a deadly corona virus came along.

All the toilet paper disappeared.

And the dinosaurs were wiped out.

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by 68bowtie

50 million years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth.

One year a deadly corona virus came along.

All the toilet paper disappeared.

And the dinosaurs were wiped out.

So true! This does seem appropriate, now.

[prairewolf]

what do toilet paper and the starship enterprise have in common ?. they both search Uranus for Klingons.

[Palf70Step]

[special-K]

This is the first year I didn't take a trip to Hawaii due to COVID-19.

All the other years were due to not having enough money

[Getter-Done]

I am [Selling Out]

Dear Forum
I'm posting this with a heavy heart...😔

As much as I love Chevy Trucks!!

Working on them takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and helping with my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.

Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only please and don't insult me with your offers.

Thanks for reading and understanding

Items are listed below...please send message if interested
Prices and pictures if interest shown









1. Dustpan and brush

2. Sponges

3. Dusters

4. Mop and bucket

5. Window cleaner

6. Vacuum

7. Dishwashing liquid

8. Laundry detergent

9. Fabric softener

10. Laundry baskets

11. Toilet brush

12. Cleaning sprays

13. Scrubbing brushes













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[GOPAPA]

Getter- Done ..you Caught me off guard on this one Hook line and Sinker as they say,,I like this joke and plan on using it as if it is me to a car show friend of mine .. I'm still snickering,,

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by GOPAPA

Getter- Done ..you Caught me off guard on this one Hook line and Sinker as they say,,I like this joke and plan on using it as if it is me to a car show friend of mine .. I'm still snickering,,

Good.
When I found this on the Inter Web
I modified it.
I am Learning from (the Best Joke King) Richard the Great.









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