Joke Thread

[Gregski]

Originally Posted by richard2717

tired of the kids saying it don't go fast enough

.

that build for sure started out with: "Hold my beer!"

[Gregski]

minor technicality

[68bowtie]

My sons phone

[Getter-Done]

.







,,,,..../////

[richard2717]

starve

[Getter-Done]

.














,...////

[richard2717]

A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be met by a travelling vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she had a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of dog poop over her carpet and explains, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog poop from your carpet, I will eat whats left". "Well, she says. I hope you are f***n hungry, because they cut my electricity off this morning!!

[68bowtie]

Originally Posted by richard2717

A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be met by a travelling vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she had a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of dog poop over her carpet and explains, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog poop from your carpet, I will eat whats left". "Well, she says. I hope you are f***n hungry, because they cut my electricity off this morning!!

Haha

We had a vacuum salesman come by once. We were not at all interested, but he seemed desperate so we indulged. He dumped the powder, cleaned it up with our cheapie walmart hoover, then went to town with his $2,000 dream machine. It didn’t pick up a spec. All he said was wow your vacuum is really good, you don’t need this, and he left.

[richard2717]

meme

[Wgesnerjr]

And then there's this...

[FleetsidePaul]

A guy walks into a library and tries to check out a book on suicide.

The Librarian refuses and tells him to leave because he won't return it.

[richard2717]

then

[truckster]

Originally Posted by FleetsidePaul

A guy walks into a library and tries to check out a book on suicide.

The Librarian refuses and tells him to leave because he won't return it.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books on paranoia. She says, "Shh, they're right behind you..."

[richard2717]

I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys.
I hope no one is too embarrassed to ask for them.
I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!! I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items listed for you. Ask for yours anytime.
I have everything listed below if needed
>
>
>
>
>
>
>





Walkers, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, canes, disposable diapers etc etc. What was your dirty mind thinking?

[richard2717]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[richard2717]

juan

[richard2717]

--Oregon ranchers, Larry and Amanda Anderson received a letter by the Oregon Department of Fish & Wildlife asking for permission to survey their land in order to track a nearly endangered species. The letter requested use of the landowners’ creek to document the amphibian life represented, specifically the foothill yellow-legged frog which is noted to have recently declined in population. I love this response.
"Dear Mr. Niemela:
Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle). You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18″ handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles. After 1pm you can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify Native Indian Tribal rights and status.
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and You” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.
Sincerely,
Larry & Amanda Anderson"

[Getter-Done]

.

[68bowtie]

Originally Posted by richard2717

--Oregon ranchers, Larry and Amanda Anderson received a letter by the Oregon Department of Fish & Wildlife asking for permission to survey their land in order to track a nearly endangered species. The letter requested use of the landowners’ creek to document the amphibian life represented, specifically the foothill yellow-legged frog which is noted to have recently declined in population. I love this response.
"Dear Mr. Niemela:
Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle). You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18″ handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles. After 1pm you can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify Native Indian Tribal rights and status.
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and You” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.
Sincerely,
Larry & Amanda Anderson"

How’s that for some fresh perspective!

[72 tigger]

Truth

[richard2717]

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[special-K]

So Wimpy the Nerd figured it was time he'd get him some, so he went on down to the local pickup bar. He spent the evening watching one after the other gal be approached, have a drink, dance some, and go out the door with that guy. It was nearing closing time, there was only one girl left, and he pulled up the courage to walk up and try the pick up thing. They had a drink, hit it off, so he asked if she's like to come over to his place. She said she would love to but wanted him to know she was on her menstrual cycle. "No problem. I'm on my moped, wanna race?"

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by richard2717

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[truckster]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

Truth

That's so beautiful I may print it and frame it.

[72 tigger]

I like the minions