Joke Thread

[davischevy]

I go in Tuesday.

[richard2717]

discount

[richard2717]

dead

[richard2717]

block

[richard2717]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now.”

[richard2717]

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100
years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

[Palf70Step]

[Rich84]

I'm still cracking up over the recreational area near the waste treatment facility..

[kwmech]

Originally Posted by Rich84

I'm still cracking up over the recreational area near the waste treatment facility..

I think the original reference to that was by George Carlin---one of my favorites

[leddzepp]

[richard2717]

Flash

[richard2717]

spike

[richard2717]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Ol Blue K20]

some good ones.

[richard2717]

nine

[richard2717]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway. I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study. So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheques. But first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye…

They need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
Then I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote. But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
-The car isn’t washed
-The bills aren’t paid
-There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
-The flowers don’t have enough water
-There is still only 1 check in my cheque book
-I can’t find the remote
-I can’t find my glasses
-and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

[Getter-Done]

^^^^^ At what age does this start??? JK

[richard2717]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides’.

[richard2717]

dead

[Ol Blue K20]

Nice Richard, coffee out the nose again!

[richard2717]

cow

[71CHEVYSHORTBED402]

Off topic perhaps, but it must be a joke. This is for sale someplace, doesn't matter where. So lazy he copied the add from another sale

"1971-1972 Chevrolet Truck OEM NOS Deluxe Badge Emblem 3994687 - Original"

"Excellent condition."

[richard2717]

push

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

push

Uh oh.....I won't tell my girlfriend this one.

[Steeveedee]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest…
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape first.”
Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”