Joke Thread

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by GOPAPA

Getter- Done ..you Caught me off guard on this one Hook line and Sinker as they say,

x2 -- ya got me too!

[Getter-Done]

In my little part of Tn. masks are not yet mandatory so the wife and I went shopping yesterday
We wore masks just to be on the safe side.

You will never guess what happened .

I came home with the wrong wife

I do not know whether to keep the new one or go looking for the old one ????









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[richard2717]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
So I just switched the heads.'

[richard2717]

I told my Doctor that my wife was complaining about my recent weight gain. Really making me feel bad. He suggested that I run 15 miles a day. I did for a week and then called him. I had to thank him as everything was so much better now and I am happy. I actually lost a few pounds. He asked how my wife was treating me and that is when I informed him that I am presently 105
miles away from home. What a plan!!!!

[prairewolf]

my Mom's and Dad's jokes that I remember.

My Mom said she went to the Dr. and told him it felt like she had a weak back. Dr. asked how long it felt that way?. She told him, " Oh, about a week back ".

My Dad said he went to a Psychiatrist once, He said when he left the Psychiatrist was laying on the couch.

[67ChevyPickupMan]

What do you call it when a Cuban and an Eskimo have a baby?

An Ice Cube

What do atheists say when someone sneezes?

When there is a tornado in Texas, all residents are told to go to Cowboys Stadium. No chance of a touchdown there.

Thrills candy. The original Tide Pod Challenge

[richard2717]

I will never forget the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket.


"Watch how far I can kick this bucket"

[dh81k30]

My neighbor is an inconsiderate jerk.
The other day he knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning.
2:30!




If I wasn't busy practicing bagpipes I would have said something to him.

[Getter-Done]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...









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[Steeveedee]

It's a five minute walk from my house to the local pub, but a fifty minute walk back.


The difference is staggering

[Sheepdip]

A Nun takes the day off and goes golfing, at the end of the day she walks into Mother Superior's office and announces she has sinned because she used the Lords name in vain.

Mother Superior says have a seat and let's discuss it. The nun says we were on the 12th Fairway 460 yards par 5, I hit a beautiful drive that should have gone 300 yards but at about 100 yards out a bird flew in it's path, the ball hit and killed the bird and it knocked the ball into the rough.

Mother Superior ask is this when you sinned? Oh no she replied, then a squirrel spotted the ball, picked it up and took off running back towards where we tee'd off.

Mother Superior again ask is this when you sinned? Oh no she again replied, about that time a hawk swoops down and grabs the squirrel who still has the ball in it's paws and heads down the fairway.

Mother Superior says that's when you sinned isn't it? She again replies no. She says the squirrel then started wiggling and twisting trying to get away and it drops the ball right over the green and it lands 18" from the pin.

Mother Superior leans back in her chair folds her arms across her chest smiles and says
You missed that *** **** putt didn't you?

[richard2717]

WAR OF 1812 AT WAL-MART
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people thatfrequent the establishment. But, I digress, enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?”
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . .
” I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.
"1946", I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?”
"It was a Black Op Mission. No one is supposed to know about it.
” This was beginning to become fun!
"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?”
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still classified 'Top Secret' and I shouldn't have said anything.”
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look. . "Like, what's gonna’ happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you?
We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture.
He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
And these people VOTE!
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!

[Ol Blue K20]

Some good ones lately

[1976gmc20]

Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!

I have a red AT&T ball cap.

You think if I wore that to town instead of my usual cowboy hat, I could get somebody to attack me before they read it ???

[CABLESCUM]

A long, long time ago I went to see the Jerry Springer Show with a couple buddies. He walked around the audience telling one liners during breaks. He ended up caught on video with one of the porn stars on the show later that night. Anyways, this one still cracks me up for a few reasons lol

“I hate cocaine, I just like the smell of it.”-Jerry Springer

[Steeveedee]

^ Yeah, that's right!

[72 tigger]

My elderly parents are entertaining, my moms friend posted on FB that “If you add your age to the year you were born, it will equal 2020. This will not happen again for another 1,000 years!” Both of my parents were fascinated with this new discovery, until I informed them that’s pretty much how it works until you die. Big letdown for them- (Still trying to convince them that they can’t always believe everything on the internet)

[72 tigger]

The Walmart story is good!

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

My elderly parents are entertaining, my moms friend posted on FB that “If you add your age to the year you were born, it will equal 2020. This will not happen again for another 1,000 years!” Both of my parents were fascinated with this new discovery, until I informed them that’s pretty much how it works until you die. Big letdown for them- (Still trying to convince them that they can’t always believe everything on the internet)

Thanks for sharing that.








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[richard2717]

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[Getter-Done]

Two old men were walking through the park one morning.
As they walked by a small pond, one looked down and saw a tiny frog.
He leaned down and picked it up.
As they looked, the frog began to talk.
It said, I'm a beautiful Princess stuck in this frog's body.
If you kiss me I will be freed.
For this act of kindness I will grant you your wildest sexual fantasies and dreams.

The man gently closed his hand and placed the frog in his pocket.
His friend asked, What are you doing?
You didn't hear what that frog said?
You're not going to kiss her?

The old man said, I'm 75 years old.
I'd rather have a frog that can talk.









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[richard2717]

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[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

...

[Sevens]

Man sitting in his truck at the truck stop watches a Swift truck come in and attempt to back into a parking space.

After about 4 or 5 minutes trying, the Swift driver sets the brakes and jumps out and comes over to this other driver and asks if he could back his truck for him.

The guy says sure, and jumps in the Swift truck and backs it in in one shot.

As he's climbing out, the Swift driver comes up to him and offers a $20 bill. The guy says 'What's this for?' Swift drivers says its a thank you for backing my truck. The guy says 'I can't take your money.' Swift drivers says 'why not?' The guys says 'it just wouldn't be right. I mean, it'd be a whole different story if you were hooked to a trailer'

[richard2717]

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