Joke Thread

[LT7A]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway. I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study. So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheques. But first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye…

They need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
Then I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote. But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
-The car isn’t washed
-The bills aren’t paid
-There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
-The flowers don’t have enough water
-There is still only 1 check in my cheque book
-I can’t find the remote
-I can’t find my glasses
-and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Plus, when you go back outside, you will discover that the water was turned on and the hose has been running this whole time.

[richard2717]

If u in a relationship one of y’all better have good credit. That’s why it’s call significant other( Sign-if-I-Can’t)

[richard2717]

nnnn

[richard2717]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned
his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[65truckowner]

[68bowtie]

Yeah my grandma totally did that. Not cool.

[Sheepdip]

Originally Posted by 68bowtie

Yeah my grandma totally did that. Not cool.

Had some old family friends, both long gone now, she would put the butter dish down for the cat to lick then put it back on the table!

Needless to say, we always ate before we went to visit them. Gross stuff there.

[LT7A]

Originally Posted by Sheepdip

Had some old family friends, both long gone now, she would put the butter dish down for the cat to lick then put it back on the table!

Needless to say, we always ate before we went to visit them. Gross stuff there.

Hahaha, so nasty. Things like that just seem not to occur to be an issue to some people. I have some good friends who are clients, both ran medical practices. They were invited to dinner at one of the physicians' homes; he was the managing partner of one of the practices. He and his wife raised tropical birds and kept the cages in the kitchen...
Smart man, nice guy, good doctor, but seriously, a bunch of birds where you prepare your food?!?

But the cat thing wins, yuck!

[Ol Blue K20]

Who would name their dog Coldwater?

[richard2717]

gene

[richard2717]

Mule Trading
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Pearl River , LA. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux replied, “Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Boudreaux said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Thibodeaux said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Boudreaux & Thibodeaux at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,
"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, “My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Boudreaux said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

[richard2717]

post

[Palf70Step]

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Mule Trading
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Pearl River , LA. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux replied, “Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Boudreaux said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Thibodeaux said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Boudreaux & Thibodeaux at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,
"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, “My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Boudreaux said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Originally Posted by richard2717

post

Oh these are great!

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Palf70Step

[davischevy]

Originally Posted by Palf70Step

It looks like you took that picture close to home.

[LT7A]

Originally Posted by davischevy

I go in Tuesday.

I hope everything went okay yesterday. If this was a F@rd site you could tell us about your Probe...

[truckster]

Originally Posted by LT7A

I hope everything went okay yesterday. If this was a F@rd site you could tell us about your Probe...

Or an alien abduction site...

[71CHEVYSHORTBED402]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl. He paid $11,500 each with box seats. It comes with a ride to the Super Bowl, lunch, dinner and a $400.00 bar tab, and backstage passes to the winners locker room. When he bought the tickets he didn’t realize it would fall on the same day as his wedding. So if you are interested, he's looking for someone to take his spot at St. Sebastian’s at 3pm. Her name is Ashley. She’s 5’4”, 115 lbs and a real good cook. She'll be wearing the white dress.

[davischevy]

This

[Sheepdip]

Originally Posted by 71CHEVYSHORTBED402

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl. He paid $11,500 each with box seats. It comes with a ride to the Super Bowl, lunch, dinner and a $400.00 bar tab, and backstage passes to the winners locker room. When he bought the tickets he didn’t realize it would fall on the same day as his wedding. So if you are interested, he's looking for someone to take his spot at St. Sebastian’s at 3pm. Her name is Ashley. She’s 5’4”, 115 lbs and a real good cook. She'll be wearing the white dress.

Good One! Women don't see/have the humor us guy's do!

[72 tigger]

Truth

[72c20customcamper]

Ironic. Not implying a political tone .

[Steeveedee]

He's free to miss out on $1.37 a month in royalties. His reason makes sense to me, but he doesn't get to dictate.

[truckster]

I honestly didn't know he was still alive...