Joke Thread

[72 tigger]

Originally Posted by davischevy

The scales said I weigh 230 lbs this morning.

I identify as 190 lbs.

I feel much better now.

Your feeling are all that matter!

[SCOTI]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

Your feeling are all that matter!

Where's a/the LIKE button when you need it most

[Boog]

Here

[davischevy]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

Your feeling are all that matter!

My dad didn't think so. My feelings were are the bottom of his "give a damn list".

[SCOTI]

Originally Posted by davischevy

My dad didn't think so. My feelings were are the bottom of his "give a damn list".

I'm very familiar w/this type of familial process. I got something new to share courtesy of Boog so.....

[richard2717]

remote

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

remote

I understand this...

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by Ol Blue K20

I understand this...

x2

[Palf70Step]

...

[Steeveedee]

Easier to spot than Waldo!

[richard2717]

well

[BRL]

Originally Posted by richard2717

remote

Maybe even worse than that!

Been laying in bed all day because you can, and you suddenly realise the remote is missing....and you haven't even moved anywhere for the whole day.

...not under the covers, not behind the mattress against the wall (when you finally decide to get up off your fat tail and look)...

"Hey come on, what the???"

[richard2717]

...

[Steeveedee]

When I was in the Navy and training in Idaho, the output shaft of the alternator at the business end of the turbine had a nut about that size on it. There was a giant open-end wrench mounted on the wall that took a crane to use, to remove and replace that nut.

[Boog]

And a hoist to lift and hold that wrench too!
My buddies at the power plant had a hoist to hold the impact wrench.

[richard2717]

back

[richard2717]

I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in inten...sive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[richard2717]

How bad is the Economy???
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street".
Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline and I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[richard2717]

If You Love Chili & Laughing... Then Read
This! This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas , you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the
San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the score card notes from the event:
Chili # 1 - Mike's Maniac Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato,
amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor,
very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell
is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with this. Took two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
one, these Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno twang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face!
Chili # 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down The
Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty but good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill!!!!! My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back, now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all
of the beer.
Chili # 4 - Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT... just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! --Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.
Chili # 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on
myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except Sally. I can't feel my lips any
more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
I should take note that I am worried about judge
number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 - Big Tom's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

[Ol Blue K20]

[richard2717]

real

[my56chevytruck]

Originally Posted by richard2717

real

Thank you Richard, made my day

[Boog]

Well he asked

[richard2717]

The Sensuous Wife
Upon arriving home from work our hero was greeted by his wife, dressed in a
low cut and very sexy dress.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" She asked.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a hundred all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, nope."
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled hundred dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Go look in the garage..."

[Palf70Step]

..