Joke Thread

[FleetsidePaul]

I've heard that the average person sheds about 8 pounds of dead skin a year.

That's why it takes about 25 years to get rid of an ex wife.

[GOPAPA]

I knew a guy who had an apartment above the vault of the local bank. His claim to fame was "My assets over millions of dollars!"

[Boog]

^^^

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by GOPAPA

I knew a guy who had an apartment above the vault of the local bank. His claim to fame was "My assets over millions of dollars!"

[Keith Seymore]

Originally Posted by GOPAPA

I knew a guy who had an apartment above the vault of the local bank. His claim to fame was "My assets over millions of dollars!"

My bedroom sits over the front (attached) garage.

I had a buddy ask me one time where I kept the GTO.

I said "its under my bed".

K

[CG]

all the coyote talk reminded me of this sticker. probably posted before, possibly me even =)

[tutone]

I read this one on a camaro forum the other day. Tried it out on my wife. She laughed. She never laughs at my jokes.
It seems there was woman at a bus stop with a baby in her arms. She boarded the bus, handed the driver her fare and he exclaimed out of the blue,"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen"
Fuming, she went to the back of the bus, sat down, muttering, red faced and angry. A man across the aisle, out of consideration, asked if there was something she could use help with.
To that she replied, "That bus driver, he insulted me badly"
He said, "Well you just march up there and give him the what-for, I'll hold your monkey for you"

[my56chevytruck]

Originally Posted by tutone

I read this one on a camaro forum the other day. Tried it out on my wife. She laughed. She never laughs at my jokes.
It seems there was woman at a bus stop with a baby in her arms. She boarded the bus, handed the driver her fare and he exclaimed out of the blue,"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen"
Fuming, she went to the back of the bus, sat down, muttering, red faced and angry. A man across the aisle, out of consideration, asked if there was something she could use help with.
To that she replied, "That bus driver, he insulted me badly"
He said, "Well you just march up there and give him the what-for, I'll hold your monkey for you"

good one!

[special-K]

...

[Sheepdip]

Originally Posted by special-K

...

Ha! Ha!... I like that!

[HO455]

I stole this one from my friend ZBoo.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[Ol Blue K20]

Absolutely hilarious!

[68bowtie]

Ha!!!!

[Sheepdip]

That would definitely be my luck!

[Boog]

An old lady handed her bank card to the bank cashier and said, I would like to withdraw $10. The cashier told her, For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.
The old lady asked why?
The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her, these are the rules! Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed her card back to the cashier and said, Please help me withdraw all the money I have here.
The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told here, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently on hand. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The cashier told her any amount up to $3,000. The old lady said, well, please let me have $3,000, now. The cashier then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and told the cashier to deposit $2990 back into her account.
moral of this story....
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning all the skills!

[Killer Bee]

^ exactly my mom

[best view]

Love it

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Boog

An old lady handed her bank card to the bank cashier and said, I would like to withdraw $10. The cashier told her, For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.
The old lady asked why?
The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her, these are the rules! Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed her card back to the cashier and said, Please help me withdraw all the money I have here.
The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told here, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently on hand. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The cashier told her any amount up to $3,000. The old lady said, well, please let me have $3,000, now. The cashier then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and told the cashier to deposit $2990 back into her account.
moral of this story....
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning all the skills!

For Sure

This reminds me.

I guess It has been a year or so since.

I got a $10 dollar bill out of the ATM weekly so I would have Change (For Stuff).

Well, they only load the ATM's with $20.oo dollar bills now for Simplicity for Them.

I know It makes sense.
Then you walk in the bank and as for $50.oo worth of $1.oo dollar bills.
$20.oo dollars worth of $5.oo dollar bills ll for change to the swap meet you are planning to go to.

[Killer Bee]

the chase machines in seal beach dispense $100, $20, and $5 bills

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Killer Bee

the chase machines in seal beach dispense $100, $20, and $5 bills

Rhey are getting Lazy around here.

Either that or someone loaded it wrong and cost them alot of money.

[special-K]

This guy goes to see the doctor and he tells the guy he's in bad shape, doesn't have long to live. The guys says that's rough news, isn't there anything he can do to make it better? The doctors tells him he could try taking three mud baths a day. Ok, but how will that help? Doctors says, "It'll get you used to the dirt"

[Stocker]

[my56chevytruck]

Originally Posted by special-K

This guy goes to see the doctor and he tells the guy he's in bad shape, doesn't have long to live. The guys says that's rough news, isn't there anything he can do to make it better? The doctors tells him he could try taking three mud baths a day. Ok, but how will that help? Doctors says, "It'll get you used to the dirt"

good one

[prairewolf]

A comedian said there is some truth to a dog being a Man's best friend. He said you take him in to get neutered, and an hour later he wants to lick your face. He said now try that with one of your other friends. '' Hey, want to go to the park !!! '' ? .

[Getter-Done]