Joke Thread

[richard2717]

Two men are driving through Tennessee when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Tennessee son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B*tch would've tried that sh*t with me!"

[Ol Blue K20]

!

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Two men are driving through Tennessee when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Tennessee son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wise true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B*tch would've tried that sh*t with me!"

That's Funny right there

We are trained to Have the License and registration ready.

And we Hope they don't ask us to Spell Nothing

[Getter-Done]

.












.




.

[atog]

About a 2 months ago I bought a registered black angus bull to put in with my cows for breeding. After several weeks of paying no attention to cows, I relentlessly called the vet to come check him out. After he did a thorough inspection of him he informed me that everything looked good and could see no problems with him. He also gave me some pills to give him that may help to get him going. Within no time at all he was like a changed animal. He ended up breeding all my herd and in fact broke through the fence and went to neighboring farm and breed all his herd. I don’t know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like butterscotch.

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by atog

About a 2 months ago I bought a registered black angus bull to put in with my cows for breeding. After several weeks of paying no attention to cows, I relentlessly called the vet to come check him out. After he did a thorough inspection of him he informed me that everything looked good and could see no problems with him. He also gave me some pills to give him that may help to get him going. Within no time at all he was like a changed animal. He ended up breeding all my herd and in fact broke through the fence and went to neighboring farm and breed all his herd. I don’t know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like butterscotch.

[Sheepdip]

Originally Posted by atog

About a 2 months ago I bought a registered black angus bull to put in with my cows for breeding. After several weeks of paying no attention to cows, I relentlessly called the vet to come check him out. After he did a thorough inspection of him he informed me that everything looked good and could see no problems with him. He also gave me some pills to give him that may help to get him going. Within no time at all he was like a changed animal. He ended up breeding all my herd and in fact broke through the fence and went to neighboring farm and breed all his herd. I don’t know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like butterscotch.

You stirred a memory somewhere in my pea brain

A guy goes to his family doctor and the doctor says what can I do for you?

Well doc it's really nothing for me it's just that the wife ain't got no interest in hanky panky anymore, doc say's I got just the thing for you and gives him a bottle of little white pills.

Doc then instructs him to slip one in her evening wine or drink without her knowledge and you will get positive results.

The guy was so excited he thought if the doc said one... two would be better so he put 2 in her evening wine.

Then he got to thinking doc said only one so maybe I gave her too much, so he decides he should take one so he can handle her.

They turn in for the evening and nothing happens, they both fall fast asleep.

About 2 am the wife sits straight up in bed and screams "I WANT A MAN"
He sits straight up beside her and screams " SO DO I"

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by Sheepdip

You stirred a memory somewhere in my pea brain

A guy goes to his family doctor and the doctor says what can I do for you?

Well doc it's really nothing for me it's just that the wife ain't got no interest in hanky panky anymore, doc say's I got just the thing for you and gives him a bottle of little white pills.

Doc then instructs him to slip one in her evening wine or drink without her knowledge and you will get positive results.

The guy was so excited he thought if the doc said one... two would be better so he put 2 in her evening wine.

Then he got to thinking doc said only one so maybe I gave her too much, so he decides he should take one so he can handle her.

They turn in for the evening and nothing happens, they both fall fast asleep.

About 2 am the wife sits straight up in bed and screams "I WANT A MAN"
He sits straight up beside her and screams " SO DO I"

Oh, man!

[WorkinLonghorn]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[WorkinLonghorn]

OK, well just because it was a crappy joke doesn't mean this thread has to die!

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by WorkinLonghorn

OK, well just because it was a crappy joke doesn't mean this thread has to die!

I missed this one









.

[Getter-Done]

(Racing a Bear )

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’









.

[richard2717]

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 24th) morning and will fly to Key West where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast and stop in Palm Beach, FL for a nice dinner oceanside, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me..
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go..

[Ol Blue K20]

Got me!

[67C10Step]

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows.


OK, corny but at least it was short.

[richard2717]

My fondest memories were building sand castles with my grandpa...... until my mom hid the urn from me

[oldiron]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

[richard2717]

Biker John and his ol lady were celebrating 50 years together.
Their 3 kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday Dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," Gushed Little Johnny.
"Sorry I'm running late, had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
Not to worry," said Biker John.
"The important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad.
Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
It's nothing," said Biker John.
"Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!
I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and was really busy packing, so didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again Biker John said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, Biker John put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor.
Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college.
All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're Bastards."
Yep, said Biker John.
"And cheap ones too."

[Getter-Done]

King of the Jungle: Dog vs. Lion

A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution,
“This guy looks edible,
I’ve never seen his kind before.”

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic,
but as he’s about to run,
he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah!
This guy seems tougher then he looks,
I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened.
The lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.”
And they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realized what happened,
starting to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts,

“Where the heck is that monkey!
I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”












.

[A1971Blazer]

A couple with 9 kids goes to the doctor so they can get "fixed" to stop having kids
The doctor asks them "you have 9 kids, why do you want to stop now?"
The man answers "we saw on TV where 1 out of 10 kids born would be Mexican"
"since neither one of us can speak Spanish, we decided to stop"

[richard2717]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[72 tigger]

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Just one
-It probably will take quite a bit of time
-The most important factor is, the lightbulb must really want to change

[truckster]

Originally Posted by 72 tigger

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Just one
-It probably will take quite a bit of time
-The most important factor is, the lightbulb must really want to change

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One - they're very efficient people.

[1976gmc20]

How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends. What do you want to change it into?

[richard2717]

Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching yourself. Instead, they sit pondering why you aren't licking.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!