Joke Thread

[HO455]

One of life's conundrums.

In the past, the Pony Express, using relays of men & horses, could get mail from Missouri to California (~ 2000 miles) in about 10 days, or an average of about 200 miles/ day.

Recently, I had a USPS Priority Mail 9x12 envelope (claiming 1-3 days for delivery) travel ~700 miles in 14 days, or an average of about 50 miles/ day.

So much for "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds".

[Keith Seymore]

Originally Posted by HO455

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect

But they have nothing to go with.

K

[kwmech]

I recently sent off a package to Florida (USPS priority). It arrived in 3 days, then promptly headed north up to Maine only to get sent back to Florida and again return to Maine. Sat in Maine for 5 days before getting sent back to Florida and took another 4 days to get to the customer. I figure the package traveled well over 5000 miles and took 13-14 days

[truckster]

I had a USPS package that was sent to me in Utah from California. Somehow it wnet threough eastern Europe before I received it 2 1/2 months later.

[Boog]

Truth

[Steeveedee]

.....

[HO455]

Now the warmer weather is arriving.

[Boog]

^^^^ Duh,

[Boog]

Beetle Juice, Beetle goose, be

[HO455]

Originally Posted by Boog

^^^^ Duh,

Necessity is the mother of invention in some cases, in others, its how to do it the hard way.

[68bowtie]

Originally Posted by Boog

Beetle Juice, Beetle goose, be

That made me smile. I don't need any shots... haha But I'll take them anyhow

[truckster]

Originally Posted by HO455

Now the warmer weather is arriving.

That almost makes enough sense that I could see someone trying it.

[Boog]

What?

[richard2717]

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her partner) presumably did it as a joke.
Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.
The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!

[best view]

That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read

[Boog]

four

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Boog

four

[Boog]

How 'bout it?

[richard2717]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley rider for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:
He asks the old biker his name.
“Fred.” He replies.
“Fred what?” The officer asks.
“Just Fred.” The old man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

[Steeveedee]

^ That happened to me. I swore I'd never beat my kids, and I didn't. They're all fine upstanding citizens, anyway.

[HO455]

Originally Posted by richard2717

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her partner) presumably did it as a joke.
Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.
The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Boog

How 'bout it?

I see some people now a days and Think About This Very Thing.

[Boog]

2hot

[best view]

My mom would wack me with whatever she had in her hand and my 1st and 2nd grade teachers had permission from my mom to spank me in front of the class and that was pretty much monthly ,3rd grade was the corner all day, now there was 4 of us boys and my dad was in viet cong i think for 6 or 8 yrs at a desk

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by Boog

2hot