Joke Thread

[Boog]

"Rabbi,I'm going to a seaside on vacation,but I've heard that women there can be dressed very immodestly. So rabbi,can an ortodox Jew look at a woman wearing mini skirt and low neckline shirt?"
"Yes he can."
"And a bikini?"
"Yes he can"
"And what about topless?"
"Yes he can"
"So rabbi,are there any things Jew should not look at?"
"There are"
"What would they be?"
"Welding."

[3757chevy]

Originally Posted by richard2717

I'm just back from Walmart I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for candies, toys and all sorts of other kiddo things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.

[richard2717]

gear

[crossfire84]

Originally Posted by richard2717

gear

😂 i put scrap bricks and broken engine parts in my bin i could barely pull it to the road so i sat in the tree line and waited for the truck. Sure enough here it comes, the look on the drivers face was priceless. the hydraulic arm was really groaning then came avalanche of rock and steel 🙀 on the empty garbage truck floor, i think we both peed our pants for different reasons.

[Boog]

3 ?

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Boog

3 ?

I have Questions.

[Boog]

left

[richard2717]

help

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

help

I can Totally understand this.

I take instructions from an (Almost )40 year experienced person.

He's got Experience alright.

He has been Flubbing Up for that long (He got it Down Pat) and think he Knows Everything.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

I can Totally understand this.

I take instructions from an (Almost )40 year experienced person.

He's got Experience alright.

He has been Flubbing Up for that long (He got it Down Pat) and think he Knows Everything.

I've experienced this too.....I have had apprentices teach me a trick or two...

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Ol Blue K20

I've experienced this too.....I have had apprentices teach me a trick or two...

For Sure.

[GOPAPA]

WRECKS ARE GETTING REAL BAD THESE DAYS ....Today, I was almost hit by my wife because she was walking and texting at the intersection of our kitchen and dining room.

[richard2717]

ten

[richard2717]

One cool November morning, two hunters take their biggest buck ever.
As they struggled dragging the monster buck back to their pickup, they were stopped by a game warden.
He asked to see their hunting licenses.
Assured that all was in order, the game warden wished them a good day, but offered some advice...
"If you men would pull from the front legs, instead of the back legs, the buck will glide easier in the leaves instead of going against the grain of fur. "
The hunters thanked the game warden and took his advice.
After about an hour of pulling the deer, the first hunter says to the other, "That game warden was a nice guy, and this deer is easier to pull."
The second hunter replies, "Yeah, but he wasn't all that smart..."
"We're getting further away from the truck."

[Boog]

oooh

[Boog]

Jeep thing

[Shifty One]

Originally Posted by richard2717

One cool November morning, two hunters take their biggest buck ever.
As they struggled dragging the monster buck back to their pickup, they were stopped by a game warden.
He asked to see their hunting licenses.
Assured that all was in order, the game warden wished them a good day, but offered some advice...
"If you men would pull from the front legs, instead of the back legs, the buck will glide easier in the leaves instead of going against the grain of fur. "
The hunters thanked the game warden and took his advice.
After about an hour of pulling the deer, the first hunter says to the other, "That game warden was a nice guy, and this deer is easier to pull."
The second hunter replies, "Yeah, but he wasn't all that smart..."
"We're getting further away from the truck."

Bwahahahaha!

[Boog]

A rugged old lady rides her mule into town, stops in front of the saloon, dismounts and ties her trusty mule up. Just as she turns to go inside, a young gunslinger steps out of the saloon. He looks at the old lady with a **** eating grin and asks her if she likes dancing. She says, "no, never much cared for it". The young man says, "Well, you better start liking it!" He then begins firing both of his pistols at her feet! The old lady starts jumping around crazily trying to keep from getting shot! With the guns empty, the gunslinger turns to go back into the bar when he suddenly hears two distinctive clicks. He turns around slowly to find a double-barreled shotgun pointed straight at his head. The old lady, standing confidently, says to the gunslinger, "Ever kissed a mule's ass?" The young man swallows hard and says, "No ma'am, but I've always wanted to!"

[richard2717]

plan

[GOPAPA]

BEEP !
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

[Boog]

two

[richard2717]

Some men are real clods when they attempt to be romantic. Other men don’t even try. In the following account, a wife thought her husband was being romantic until he said the wrong thing.
A woman awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him
She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispered as she stepped into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looked up from his drink. “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She couldn’t believe he had remembered and started to tear up.
The husband continued. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.
Once again the wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”
“I remember that, too,” she replied softly.
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today”
This is the kind of anniversary a husband should just not mention to a wife.

[richard2717]

uhoh

[richard2717]

Tired of searching for a brake hose that fits... no problem


.

[Shifty One]

I've seen worse...