Joke Thread

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

bold

Nuff Said.

[richard2717]

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.”
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one.” The bartender pours the drink, but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset?”
So, the man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, “Wow, this has never happened before.” You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I’d like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while.
I couldn’t believe this was happening, and I hadn’t had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true.” He continued, “She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes.
But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.” “The blonde says, ‘Oh my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!’”
“So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me.”
The bartender says “Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.”
“Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, ‘Who you been with now, you witch?’
The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now calm down.
“Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’ Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either.
Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’ I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’ But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head.
I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!” The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure.” “No, that didn’t really bother me.
Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass.” The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.”
“No, that wasn’t what really got me so angry though.” The bartender then asks in exasperation, “Well, then, what did finally make you anger?”
“Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down–I was only about six inches off the ground

[Boog]

Yes. Now I see where they came up with the design. Coincidence?

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by Boog

Coincidence?

[truckster]

Originally Posted by Boog

Yes. Now I see where they came up with the design. Coincidence?

Except the dumpster's not on fire...

[Steeveedee]

[richard2717]

bee

[truckster]

Originally Posted by richard2717

bee

I don't get it...

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by truckster

I don't get it...

Glad I'm not the only one.....

[Ol Blue K20]

That's not the Bee Gees, It a Benny Hill skit (British comedy)

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by Ol Blue K20

That's not the Bee Gees, It a Benny Hill skit (British comedy)

Well, I knew it wasn't the Bee Gees, and I recognized Benny Hill.... but I still don't get it. I'll put my dunce cap on and go sit in the corner now.

[Getter-Done]

My Wife is Missing.

My wife is missing,men & cars - YouTube

[HO455]

Since the previous joke was preempted.

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

My Wife is Missing.

My wife is missing,men & cars - YouTube

I remember the reverse situation, where the woman couldn't identify anything about the vehicle that hit her, but could describe the driver right down to the shoes.

[CG]

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by CG

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by CG

I didn't realize people still thought the earth is flat. Hmmm

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by CG

This make sense.

There is a Guy from Tennessee that supposably,
Invented the Internet.

[richard2717]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

[richard2717]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[Boog]

wait, what?

[Steeveedee]

^ The irony! It's so true...

[Ol Blue K20]

Boog, you're not even from California....how did ya know?

[Boog]

Good thing too as I would NOT be happy!

And what is up with that $24 Billion missing from the state funds anyway?

[Boog]

12
This reminds me of an old guy at a lawn mower and small engine parts and repair store. It did not matter what you went in there for, if you did not have the make, model and serial #, he would not help you. I kid you not!