Joke Thread

[SCOTI]

Originally Posted by Boog

12
This reminds me of an old guy at a lawn mower and small engine parts and repair store. It did not matter what you went in there for, if you did not have the make, model and serial #, he would not help you. I kid you not!

EZ enough...... 2024 Tesla.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Boog

Good thing too as I would NOT be happy!

And what is up with that $24 Billion missing from the state funds anyway?

Great question, we'll probably never know.....

[Boog]

This is a cover up!

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Boog

This is a cover up!

[richard2717]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations". You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[richard2717]

hist

[richard2717]

WRITTEN BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell
to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting
any more souls and is therefore,
extinct . . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Shifty One]

[Boog]

Blowin smoke

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

hist

This is Totally True.

I hope this goes Viral (As they say)

So many Individuals are Brainwashed by (You guessed it).

They cannot see what is happening right now.

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

hist

Hmm....ironic I can stay out of the corner, right?

[Wootdog]

So, a guy gets a call while he is driving his Harley from GOD.
God asks John if he has a moment to discuss something.
John says sure God let me pull off the road so I can give you my full attention.
God then tells John how good a man he is and that he is entitled to one wish to help his fellow man out. God says it cannot be for John but for all mankind.
John thinks about it for a minute and says to God, you know God, I like riding my Harley and a lot of others ride Harleys and the like. God tells John that he rides a Harley Fat Boy, so he can relate to it.
So, then John says to God, if you could make a road that goes from Southern California to Hawaii, think about all the motorcycle riders and tourists that would be able to use that scenic road. And all the jobs it would create, with all the hotels that would be required, gas stations, restaurants, etc.
God tells John that would be a strain on the earths’ natural resources, with all the concrete and rebar, etc. that would be required.
So, God says to John think about something else that would benefit all of mankind.
John then says, God, you know I am a happily married man. And God says yes you are, and you and your wife are a great couple.
John then says to God, you know at least once a month, I tend to say the wrong thing to the wife, you know put my foot in my mouth, and then for the rest of the month, I am walking on eggshells because of what I said earlier to her.
God then pauses for a minute, thinks about what John has said, and then blurts out, how many lanes to you want on that road to Hawaii?

[Boog]

You hillbilly?

[HO455]

Oh boy!

[my56chevytruck]

Originally Posted by Boog

12
This reminds me of an old guy at a lawn mower and small engine parts and repair store. It did not matter what you went in there for, if you did not have the make, model and serial #, he would not help you. I kid you not!

So true!!

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by HO455

Oh boy!

[Boog]

being adult..

[Boog]

Factory restore button option

[richard2717]

rock

[Boog]

he sees everything

[Getter-Done]

Clem Who???

You will have to be Old to remember this guy.

Comedy - Red Skelton - Two Highway Patrolmen...

[Boog]

Yessir. I'm old. He was a good one. I remember his weekly tv show.

[Boog]

son of a

[Stocker]

Originally Posted by Boog

son of a

[Shifty One]