Good jokes, lets hear them.

[Getter-Done]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.
-
Q: What is green, covered in Christmas lights and Christmas bulbs, and goes ribbit?
A: Mistle-toad
-
How much does Santa pay for parking?
Nothing, it's on the house.
-
What do they call snowmen in Hawaii?

Water
-

Risky Joke of the week:

What carol do they sing in a Mental Hospital?

Do you hear what I hear.

(If you're offended, don't come at me, I'm on vacation.)

[CG]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.
-
Q: What is green, covered in Christmas lights and Christmas bulbs, and goes ribbit?
A: Mistle-toad
-
How much does Santa pay for parking?
Nothing, it's on the house.
-
What do they call snowmen in Hawaii?

Water
-

Risky Joke of the week:

What carol do they sing in a Mental Hospital?

Do you hear what I hear.

(If you're offended, don't come at me, I'm on vacation.)

All excellent, thanks!

[Boog]

Originally Posted by Getter-Done

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.
-
Q: What is green, covered in Christmas lights and Christmas bulbs, and goes ribbit?
A: Mistle-toad
-
How much does Santa pay for parking?
Nothing, it's on the house.
-
What do they call snowmen in Hawaii?

Water
-

Risky Joke of the week:

What carol do they sing in a Mental Hospital?

Do you hear what I hear.

(If you're offended, don't come at me, I'm on vacation.)

[Getter-Done]

What's a spiders New Year's resolution?

Spending less time on the web.
-
Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve.

It's December 31st.
-
Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk.
-
What's the Grinch's least favorite Band?

The Who
-
Why was Santa's little helper so sad?

Because he had low elf esteem.


May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. I'll see you all next year (with the same terrible jokes)!

[Boog]

Dec 30

[weq92f]

.

Two ropes walk into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve your kind here" and they were made to leave. One rope ties himself into a knot and frays out one of his ends and walks back into the bar. Bartender says "Hey, aren't you a rope?" and the rope replied "nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

hehe

[Getter-Done]

Why don't you ever see a buffalo hiding in a tree?
Because they're really good at it.
-
What do snowmen call their kids?
Chill-dren
-
What do you call a hunter without a nose or a body?
Nobody knows.
-
What do you call an old snowman?
A glass of water.
-
 
 
Why do people in Greece hate waking up at dawn?

Because Dawn is tough of Greece.

[Boog]

^^^

[Getter-Done]

Why did the deer get braces?

Because he had buck teeth.
-
How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.
-
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said: "Turn left here."
-
I asked the ER doctor if I could do my own stitches.

She said..."Suture self."

[Greasey Harley]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two
...but how did they get in there?

[Getter-Done]

I told my Dr I broke my arm in two places.

He said, "Stop going to those places."
-
How do you make an egg roll?

You push it.
-
What do you call an apology written in dashes and dots?

Remorse code.
-
What genre are national anthems?

Country

[CG]

I like these type of joke Getter-Done because they are funny groaners (heh). I send them to my grand kids (12 and 19) and I can just see them groaning over grandpas jokes haha!

Here's a funny captioned pic I hadnt seen before.

[A1971Blazer]

My brother-in-law suddenly decided to move from where he was living for 20 years.
I asked him why.
He said: "I seen on TV where most all accidents happen within 25 miles of home, so I moved"

[CG]

This brought back memories

[dmjlambert]

Let your fingers do the walking

[GMan69]

The wife, being in a romantic mood, sends her husband the following text:

If you are awake, send me your thoughts.
If you are asleep, send me your dreams.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I Love You!!

Her husband, being typically un-romantic, responds:

On the toilet. Please advise.

[Boog]

[richard2717]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...I NEVER KNEW THIS!
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.

[BRL]

Originally Posted by richard2717

...And that's when he shot her.

Please re-read the title of this thread:
Good jokes...
I'm not going to quote the entire post here and I sure as heck ain't gonna read it again but what happened to the snake?

[Boog]

so doctor: