A Mechanic's Tool Glossary

[55chevy]

Subject: A Mechanic's Tool Glossary

A Mechanic's Tool Glossary

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching
for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters from the 2X4 you just
used.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog
**** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you
couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-
tightened 58 years ago by someone at the Tydol station,
and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying
to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, CDs, DVDs, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A handy balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight,
which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.

[phlegm]

LOL thats good.

[GM72K10]

LOL. Those ARE good!

[TruckinDaddy]

You been lurking around my shop at night?

Mighty funny.

[Striker169]

haha thats awsome!

[Brainchild]

LMAO Those are so true

[Longhorn Man]

I read that too, it's been in a few magizines.
Although, the #1 use for Vice Grips.... to stop the bleeding.

[Longhorn Man]

oops...wrong one

[krue]

I thought that was what duct tape is for. I admire the use of grease to prevent infection.

[jcueckert13]

Originally Posted by krue

I thought that was what duct tape is for. I admire the use of grease to prevent infection.

about a year ago i had the action of my semi auto shotgun take off the end of my ring finger (cut through a fair bit of muscle ) i grabbed one of those blue papar towel shop rags from the truck and used duct tape to keep the towel in place, and continued shooting for another hour and a half.

and yes i know i am a red neck

[71SWBChevy]

haha I was cleaning some old sticker off a window on a car I was detailing and was talking not paying attention and sliced my middle finger so deep the blade went in the inside and you could see it touching the nail, I grabbed a blue shop towel and duck tape made me a bandage and finished detailing that car then did a little work on the truck. I cut the finger at 8 am by dark that night I decided to go to the house and clean up the damage, amazingly the thing had just about healed completely! I put a bandaid and some neosporin and it was good in a couple of days.

[55chevy]

LOL, cut my finger on rocker panel area brushing dirt away, sharpass sliver of metal went deep. Lucky me, I have garge in basement, bathroom just off garage, washed it off, lil piece of toilet paper and duct tape, back to work. How many times you try to hold the piece of meal you're drilling only to have it spin on you? Probaably my most common jackass from the list above.

[LUV2XCLR8]

[71SWBChevy]

Man after rereading those I think just about every non fragile tool in our shop falls into the dammit catagory

[llegos]

lol, aint those the truth

[jsbgump]

lmfao

[shortymac83]

Originally Posted by 71SWBChevy

Man after rereading those I think just about every non fragile tool in our shop falls into the dammit catagory

Hell, even the fragile ones get thrown when I get mad enough. Then it's another $80 going to the tool man.

[goose19726]

wish i had a garage when i chunk the tools they land in in the pasture i need a metal detector to find them

[71SWBChevy]

Originally Posted by shortymac83

Hell, even the fragile ones get thrown when I get mad enough. Then it's another $80 going to the tool man.

Try not to throw the fragile ones the tools are my fathers and grandfathers and maybe even a few of his dads so they are all a little special, on the other hand you aint going to hurt an old wrench throwing it across the building.

[shortymac83]

well, there are some tools that I simply don't use because I know they could become projectiles - like $300 calipers, etc.

[Ironclad454]

Last time I used a Dammit tool, I pegged by buddy in the head with a 1/2 Wrench.

[71SWBChevy]

I hit myself with a dammit tool once, taking out a cab mount bolt the one on top in the floor board started spinning so I put a large wrench on the top and put a 3/4 inch impact on the bottom, hit the trigger of the impact before I put my hand on the wrench took a dammit tool upside the head about 1/2 inch above my eye, I was lucky wasn't wearing any safety glasses and just had a HUGE goose egg on my head for about a week, hurt like hell though.

[jcueckert13]

i have a 3inch by 3inch hole in the wall at work from a 3lb cross pein damit tool flying across the shop.

[fastwillie 696969]

super glue is a good bandaid should always have it in tool box or first aid kit

[71SWBChevy]

Originally Posted by 70blowngmc

super glue is a good bandaid should always have it in tool box or first aid kit

This is a very good tip superglue will repair fairly large gashes, I use this crap all the time when I get a cut, works like a charm but you have to use the good stuff the cheap crap doesn't seem to hold but for a couple of hours the good stuff will stay put for days.